Seeking advice from the ladies.

[FeatsofClay]

How does a man say "no thanks" without being offensive or considered rude?

I have a customer who is making her affections obvious and I don't want to go there. A GOOD customer. She keeps flaunting her income and availability in ways that are starting to make me a bit uncomfortable.

I have always enjoyed her as a person but never even considered her as a romantic interest. She has now invited me to dinner (twice) and started bringing me gifts. When she asked me out to dinner I told her "I am always busy, haven't you noticed I am always at the gallery 12 or 14 hours a day?" and she brought me steaks and wine. NICE steaks and pretty expensive wine.

I don't want to hurt or offend this woman (she leaves a good amount of money here, and she is sweet) but I have to obviously be more...obvious.

How would you want to hear it?

[Iron Jenny Kidd]

Tell her you just don't swing that way...or just tell her the truth. I don't think there's any way you can tell a woman you're not interested in her without hurting her in some way. Plus, there's really no way to tell how she will react to how you say it as the message is still the same. She may only be throwing her money in the business as a way to get in your pants...once you shoot that possibility down she may take her advances and money elsewhere.

I'm all for honesty but tact is a bit beyond me. Hopefully other ladies here will have some good suggestions. Good luck.

[Space Cadet B^3]

Maybe she just wants to be a "patron of the artist" ;)

[Varaj]

Do her up the pooper. Post pics. K thx.

[Dawnstar]

I would be honest with her. Let her know that you are going through a divorce and are not interested in dating right now. I would also mention that you are flattered but. As long as you are honest with her and do not change the way you act around her I think you will be fine. She may still flirt but as long as she knows where you stand it may be okay. I hope that helps.

Oh and good luck.

[Janos]

I would be honest with her. Let her know that you are going through a divorce and are not interested in dating right now. I would also mention that you are flattered but.

I really wouldn't recommend this. What you've just said is "it's not you, it's me". That will leave the door open and potentially give her hope later on.

I would probably suggest a more honest and straightforward answer that directly responds to the fact you're not interested in her. You can use the above in addition to what you tell her, but I think you owe her a real answer too.

[Dark Jezter]

Well, I'm not a woman, but what good is the internet if you can't offer unsolicited advice? :)

Here's the deal: there's no way you'll be able to turn her down without disappointing her. That's all there is to it. It always sucks being rejected by somebody you're interested in, no matter how much they try to cushion the blow.

My standard response when a woman I'm not interested in is coming onto me is to act indifferent and make sure that I don't do anything that would make her think that I'm flirting back. Women are better than men are at picking up on hints like that, so it usually works. But if it doesn't work I'll tell her something like "You're a nice girl, but I'm just not interested. Sorry." Depending on the girl, she may take it well or she may not. But that's life.

[doc]

Tell her you're gay, into leather and fisting and a closet furry (skunk)

[Dawnstar]

I really wouldn't recommend this. What you've just said is "it's not you, it's me". That will leave the door open and potentially give her hope later on.

I would probably suggest a more honest and straightforward answer that directly responds to the fact you're not interested in her. You can use the above in addition to what you tell her, but I think you owe her a real answer too.

I can see how you may think this. If a person said this to me I would back off and move on to the next person but that may just be me.

[Brynja]

I think you should ease off like Janos said- your gallery is trying to get going...it may be in your best interests to let her down easy with the its me not you thing. Throw cold water on her and she may get mean- and smear your rep.

[Ancalagon]

Move to Mexico, change your name.

Hell has no furry like a woman scorned.

(maybe Uganda would be safer)

[Northcott]

Hell has no furry like a woman scorned.

Um... dude? Is there a kink you haven't been telling us about? :what:

[Freedom Canadian]

I really wouldn't recommend this. What you've just said is "it's not you, it's me".

Yes. And that has never been a good idea in the whole history of mankind. :)

[shabois]

I would be honest with her. Let her know that you are going through a divorce and are not interested in dating right now. I would also mention that you are flattered but. As long as you are honest with her and do not change the way you act around her I think you will be fine. She may still flirt but as long as she knows where you stand it may be okay. I hope that helps.

Oh and good luck.

I agree, let her down as gently as possible, even if you have to tell a white lie, but don't change the way you act towards her. Continue to be friendly and warm with her and that should help ease the initial sting of rejection.

[Dark Jezter]

Yes. And that has never been a good idea in the whole history of mankind. :)
That's because everybody knows that when somebody says "It's not you, it's me" they really mean "It's you, but I'm just trying to be nice." :)

[Freedom Canadian]

That's because everybody knows that when somebody says "It's not you, it's me" they really mean "It's you, but I'm just trying to be nice." :)

It's also incredibly condescending and it gives mixed signals.

My favorite way of getting turned down is "Sorry, you're not my type". It's not insulting because it's not judging your worth as a human being, just as a romantic interest. Plus, you can't argue with taste. :)

[strawberry]

How would you want to hear it?

Nobody ever wants to hear it...

When she asked me out to dinner I told her "I am always busy, haven't you noticed I am always at the gallery 12 or 14 hours a day?" and she brought me steaks and wine. NICE steaks and pretty expensive wine.

...but, she's not noticing the "I'll just be sort of non-responsive and gently rebuff-y and hope she notices I'm not interested" stuff, so just be honest. Which doesn't mean you have to be mean. Just say something simple like "I'm flattered, but I'm just not interested." Anyone would rather hear that then get weird mixed signals or feel dumb later for thinking that a lack of "no" means "yes".

[Hatter]

When that happened to me I told her I was gay. Worked pretty well.

[Cat of Ulthar]

My favorite way of getting turned down is "Sorry, you're not my type". It's not insulting because it's not judging your worth as a human being, just as a romantic interest. Plus, you can't argue with taste. :)

I second this. Just be honest, say you really like her, and appreciate the friendship you have, but have never thought of her in that way, nor could you, as she is not your type. Honest but gentle.

[Northcott]

I tried that once. The immediate response is "so what is your type?" -- and that lead to an uncomfortable moment. :grey:

[Cat of Ulthar]

I tried that once. The immediate response is "so what is your type?" -- and that lead to an uncomfortable moment. :grey:

Hah! You should have dated her if only for her sharp wit.:lol:

How did you get out of that one?

[Northcott]

Hah! You should have dated her if only for her sharp wit.:lol:

How did you get out of that one?


Without any grace whatsoever. She really wasn't my type, but I couldn't figure out how to respond without coming across as at least moderately offensive -- which I really didn't want to be. So there was a lot of humming and hawing, broken statements, and a distinctly uncomfortable period.

Made worse by the fact that I almost never notice when I'm being flirted with or hit on. Not unless it's so blatant that I'd need to be Hellen Keller to miss it. :grey:

[FeatsofClay]

Same here. (are you sure we aren't related?)

I once told a woman "You aren't my type." and she asked "what is your type?" I said "X,y and Z."

She leaned in close and said "I can be ALL of that."

I melted, she won, we spent 8 of the worst and best months of my life together. Never been so attracted to someone I was so repulsed by. I am petty sure she feels the same.

[Northcott]

I was once with a lady who presented herself as intelligent, strong-willed, full of fire... all the stuff I like. I eventually found out that she simply wanted a strong man to mould her and remake her into his fantasy. That so was not my gig. Not something I'm remotely interested in. I wanted a partner in life, not somebody who (in many ways) would require the same responsible care as a child.

I really botched that break-up. She was intelligent, and a good person. I had respect for her, but didn't want the relationship to continue. Ended it poorly by delaying too long in trying to find a way to end it gently -- which just made it that much worse, as she knew that things were collapsing but wasn't given a clear end until it was too late. Needless to say, somebody with that worldview also has trouble taking account for their own state of being and actions.

Fugly, fugly, fugly break-up.

[Brynja]

Yeah dont do not your type that would be my reply. Only so I could watch you squirm as Northcott did.

Seriously I would keep playing the oblivious card.

[Atropine Mama]

Seriously I would keep playing the oblivious card.

Oblivious can really work in your favor, Clay. Treat her as you would a platonic, male friend, and gossip about the attractive features of other folks you like. Fart around her. Brag about how many women are trying to get into your pants and how you really hate that.

Y'know, be that guy for a while. No overt letting her down, but you'll make it clear.

[Limper]

Oblivious can really work in your favor, Clay. Treat her as you would a platonic, male friend, and gossip about the attractive features of other folks you like. Fart around her. Brag about how many women are trying to get into your pants and how you really hate that.

Y'know, be that guy for a while. No overt letting her down, but you'll make it clear.

Why not just let her know how he feels and skip the games?

[FeatsofClay]

Fart around her.

Wait! you mean that is a negative strategy??

No wonder my marriage failed!

[Atropine Mama]

Why not just let her know how he feels and skip the games?

He's worried about losing her patronage, man. Where there's money someone wants, there's games. Otherwise, yeah, I'd be all like "sack up and tell her no thanks".

[Limper]

He's worried about losing her patronage, man. Where there's money someone wants, there's games. Otherwise, yeah, I'd be all like "sack up and tell her no thanks".

If he is going to prostitute himself that far why not just knock her boots and rake in the big bucks?

[FeatsofClay]

If he is going to prostitute himself that far why not just knock her boots and rake in the big bucks?


Do you understand the difference between prostitution and being polite?

[Limper]

Do you understand the difference between prostitution and being polite?

Yes but you are in a very rough spot... odds are you can't win, there is no clean way out of this, no matter how you handle it its very very likely to end poorly in some fashion.

Folks have been suggesting you play games and IMO playing games so as to not lose the income she represents is pretty damn close to selling yourself.

If you are going to go that far I figured I shold throw out the go for the big bucks option.

[bunny]

Hmm, probably not your style, but this method worked really well with me. I had a crush on a chap who worked in a bar I frequented. I attempted to flirt with him a few times and got polite responses and nice smiles. He's cute so he gets hit on constantly by other patrons. To put a stop to it, after he got a girlfriend, he told the biggest gossip he knew "Thank god I'm with my girlfriend. She's wayyy hotter than the mutants that hang out at the bar."

That he said that spread around really quickly, and girls weren't as inclined to flirt with him after that.

[Janos]

Yes but you are in a very rough spot... odds are you can't win, there is no clean way out of this, no matter how you handle it its very very likely to end poorly in some fashion.

Folks have been suggesting you play games and IMO playing games so as to not lose the income she represents is pretty damn close to selling yourself.

This bears repeating. Be honest, doing anything less is not fair to yourself or her. Games are bad and fucked up.

[strawberry]

I tried that once. The immediate response is "so what is your type?" -- and that lead to an uncomfortable moment. :grey:

"Not you." :p

[Ancalagon]

I tried that once. The immediate response is "so what is your type?" -- and that lead to an uncomfortable moment. :grey:

I like smart, attractive, compassionate women who happen to be fans of dungeons and dragons, world politic, bondage, latex, total enclosure and are switches. Cooking is a plus.

This will work. I think there is one woman like this on the planet.

psss: if you find one send her my way!

Hmm, probably not your style, but this method worked really well with me. I had a crush on a chap who worked in a bar I frequented. I attempted to flirt with him a few times and got polite responses and nice smiles. He's cute so he gets hit on constantly by other patrons. To put a stop to it, after he got a girlfriend, he told the biggest gossip he knew "Thank god I'm with my girlfriend. She's wayyy hotter than the mutants that hang out at the bar."

That he said that spread around really quickly, and girls weren't as inclined to flirt with him after that.

Tips must have taken a hit though...

[Hatter]

I like smart, attractive, compassionate women who happen to be fans of dungeons and dragons, world politic, bondage, latex, total enclosure and are switches. Cooking is a plus.

This will work. I think there is one woman like this on the planet.

This line will likely lead to bargaining, based on my experiences.

[Northcott]

This line will likely lead to bargaining, based on my experiences.

Or, just as uncomfortably, responses like "I can be (most of) those things". The whole "remake me in your desired image" mentality always turns my stomach. Not that it makes me necessarily dislike that individual as a person, but as a potential mate? Guaranteed repulsion.

[Limper]

Or, just as uncomfortably, responses like "I can be (most of) those things". The whole "remake me in your desired image" mentality always turns my stomach. Not that it makes me necessarily dislike that individual as a person, but as a potential mate? Guaranteed repulsion.


You just need to get more in touch with your inner bastard and you'd appreciate the opportunity that attitude offers.

[doc]

You just need to get more in touch with your inner Limper and you'd appreciate the opportunity that attitude offers.

Needed clarification

[Northcott]

You just need to get more in touch with your inner bastard and you'd appreciate the opportunity that attitude offers.

Bleagh! Ugh! No. I find weakness repulsive in a potential mate, and I'm misanthropic enough that I wasn't going to waste my time on a woman who didn't fall into that category.