I can't meet normal people. Ever.

[Critter]

Seriously, it's impossible.

So, yesterday about 1:30pm I'm sitting around playing New Vegas, waiting on my roommate to wake up and generally minding my own business.

I get a knock on my door. Generally, unless I'm expecting something, I ignore the door until it goes away as most of the people who have historically knocked on my door have been people I didn't want to talk to in the first place. That is mostly true in this case.

Anyways, I open the door and this scrawny, 20s something girl weasels her way into my apartment, sits on my couch and starts smoking the cigarette butts out of my ashtray. I'm still standing at my door, at this point, wondering what the hell is going on.

Eventually, I close my door and decide to say hi. That triggers a flood of information from her that lasts about 15 minutes that, from what I was able to gather, was her discussing relationship issues. I could have kicked her out, sure, but I was in shock at this still trying to figure out what the hell to do. Eventually I try and create a reason to leave, and a reason to ask her to leave. I needed to grab coffee for my roommate before he woke up, as he's a terrible morning person (who works nights). So, she invited herself along. At this point, I was too creeped out to say no as I didn't want to provoke her or anything, which is also the same reason I avoided direct eye contact with her. So I let her come along. It was a quiet drive.

Anyways, we get back and she decides to leave finally. After half an hour of having her around for some reason, I was glad to have her done. It didn't last though, as about 20 minutes after that there was a knock on my door again. Again, against better judgment I answered. It was her again and she came in and made herself at home again smoking cigarette butts out of my ashtray and rambling on about someone I've never met. Keep in mind, I still don't know her name, nor does she know mine. I gathered from her story she was from the collection of apartments nearby that are labeled the local meth labs. So, again I let her stay, and ramble not wanting to do or say anything to provoke her and I just sat there, listening and commenting when appropriate with the most generic responses I could think of.

So, my roommate wakes up and I hear him moving around upstairs and ask her to leave, claiming he isn't a friendly morning person, so she heads out. My roommate leaves for work really early, and it isn't 10 minutes after he leaves, there's a knock on the door again. By this time, you'd think I'd have figured it out, but no. In she comes again, this time asking for a plastic bag so she could take my cigarette butts home with her. So I agree, and she leaves happily walking away with a Wal-Mart bag full of cigarette butts.

At this point, I wait until she's out of sight, grab my Zune and leave and lock my door behind me. I zipped over to the gas station nearby where I generally go to grab smokes and chat with the employees. I asked if they wouldn't mind if I just hang out for awhile so I told them the story.

Turns out, she's known in this area and a number of people are convinced she's some attempt at a prostitute. One of the employees has a friend who came to visit her at work, and when he left, this girl hopped in his truck asking for money in exchange for sex. I ended up hanging out there for about an hour and a half waiting around until I felt decent enough to go home.

Anyways, my neighbor was hanging around out front so I talked to him about it, wondering if he saw anyone knocking on my door while I was gone. He said no, but he saw some chick sitting out in the parking lot in a nearby complex in a lawn chair watching our apartment building. He described her, and it was totally this same girl.

Why me? :(

[Brynja]

Your apt is being cased. Don't let her in again.

[Limper]

I agree with Bryn. Also sounds like she is a meth head so call the cops on her if you get the chance.

The other choice is see if she'll let you do her in the pooper for a pack of real smokes.

[Hatter]

She sounds dangerous.

[Brynja]

I agree with Bryn. Also sounds like she is a meth head so call the cops on her if you get the chance.

The other choice is see if she'll let you do her in the pooper for a pack of real smokes.

You s hould take pictures of her after and high so you too can be arty and edgy and post them on the interweebs

[Limper]

You s hould take pictures of her after and high so you too can be arty and edgy and post them on the interweebs

Excellent idea! I'm sure there is a thriving community of people who find sores and rotten teeth sexy.

[Janos]

Excellent idea! I'm sure there is a thriving community of people who find sores and rotten teeth sexy.

Critter, you could compete with the guy taking pictures of Heroin-addict chicks naked! You could be an artist!

[Cat of Ulthar]

Critter, this is insane. Poor you. Don't let her in again.

[shiningbrow]

Critter, you could compete with the guy taking pictures of Heroin-addict chicks naked! You could be an artist!

Exactly.

And leave the chain on your door so she can't force her way in. If she knocks, don't answer. Avoid like plague.

[Name Lips]

Your apt is being cased. Don't let her in again.

I agree with Bryn. Also sounds like she is a meth head so call the cops on her if you get the chance.

The other choice is see if she'll let you do her in the pooper for a pack of real smokes.

She sounds dangerous.

Critter, this is insane. Poor you. Don't let her in again.

OR MAYBE she's the love of your life!!


OK that's bad of me. Seriously, if she tries to get into your apt again you should call the cops. Do exactly what you'd do if it was a male gangster-type.

She's obviously figured out that guys have a hard, awkward time kicking girls out, even if she's doing something obviously creepy. There's a stupid monkey-brain voice in the back of men's heads that says "woah... maybe this will be like the letters to Penthouse." And even though they know it isn't, that this is a creepy situation they should extract themselves from, they can't actually force themselves to do it.

[Glass]

Critter, this is how I meet women. Don't do it. Just call the cops next time she does this. Throw her out.

[Old Fart]

OR MAYBE she's the love of your life!!My cynical-bastard sense* is telling me she was waiting for Critter to proposition her, so she could name a price. In which case, she's the love of anyone's life for the price of her two next scores. Of course, stealing whatever system Critter was playing Fallout on is a fine alternative. So yeah, don't let the crazy b***h back in your place again.

*Obtained shortly after I was bitten by a radioactive cynical bastard at the science fair.

[Critter]

Your apt is being cased. Don't let her in again.

That was my initial thought, so I kept a close eye on her. Thankfully neither my roommate or I have anything really valueable other than the Xbox 360. We do have a new 60in rear-projection TV but this girl couldn't have weighed more than 100lbs so I doubt that's a concern.

But yeah, I suppose I'll just not answer the door if she stops by again although I'm unsure that would work. She sounds like the crazy type to keep pounding at the door yelling that "she knows I'm in there" and such.

Otherwise, she's just creepy. I found it hard to be in my normal asshole mode because I was simply, eh... flabbergasted sounds like a great word for it. I was in shock just watching her smoking my cigarette butts trying to form a complete thought for most of her visits.

Oh, and according to me neighbor she's the girlfriend of one of the local meth lab guys so this is certainly the type of attention I love to attract. Calling the cops though, has been fruitless in the past. This is the "bad" side of town, apparently. Although I'm certain no one here truly understands what constitutes a "bad" part of town. Last time I called the cops it was because some idiot was sitting out front of my apartment at 1am with massive bass that woke me up and was vibrating through my apartment. 15 minutes later, when the cops showed up, he was gone. So the cop proceeded to knock on my door and give me shit for playing my music too loudly. It took him a long time to finally understand it was me who called it in in the first place.

[Lady Fury]

I have to agree with everyone. I think she was probably wondering if you were gay since you didn't ask for anything from her. Hey wait use that as an excuse. If she knocks again tell her that your boyfriend wouldn't appreciate you talking to strange women then tell her never to come around again because your boyfriend has one hell of a temper.

[Critter]

My cynical-bastard sense* is telling me she was waiting for Critter to proposition her, so she could name a price. In which case, she's the love of anyone's life for the price of her two next scores. Of course, stealing whatever system Critter was playing Fallout on is a fine alternative. So yeah, don't let the crazy b***h back in your place again.

Ha! Unfortunately for her I have standards for who I'll sleep with. Also, I was functional enough mentally to keep reminding her I was unemployed and really short on cash all the time. Hopefully that will be enough to avoid any issues in the future although she did was I was a really nice guy for listening to her issues. So, we'll see.

Being a nice guy and "helping" (I mean that very, very loosely) a meth head might be a karmically good thing to do, I guess. Damn is she creepy though.

[Critter]

I have to agree with everyone. I think she was probably wondering if you were gay since you didn't ask for anything from her. Hey wait use that as an excuse. If she knocks again tell her that your boyfriend wouldn't appreciate you talking to strange women then tell her never to come around again because your boyfriend has one hell of a temper.

Half the neighborhood think we're gay anyways since apparently two single straight guys can't live together without some sort of gay tendencies happening.

[Glass]

Half the neighborhood think we're gay anyways since apparently two single straight guys can't live together without some sort of gay tendencies happening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0

[Ascarel]

Why me? :(

Wrong question. Why you YET AGAIN? I'm starting to believe in curses, man. :)

[Harry]

Is she hot?

I can't meet normal people. Ever.

Hey, you've met me and Ascare... wait a sec.... :what:

[Pigs in Space]

She's obviously figured out that guys have a hard, awkward time kicking girls out, even if she's doing something obviously creepy. There's a stupid monkey-brain voice in the back of men's heads that says "woah... maybe this will be like the letters to Penthouse." And even though they know it isn't, that this is a creepy situation they should extract themselves from, they can't actually force themselves to do it.

Those stories are totally true.

But the chicks aren't meth addicts.

[SpikeyFreak]

I think you should chop off her head and put it on a pike outside your door.

--Medieval Spikey

[shiningbrow]

I think you should chop off her head and put it on a pike outside your door.

--Medieval Spikey

I do like this suggestion. Keep the spooks away!

[Enk]

I do like this suggestion. Keep the spooks away!

Why do you hate african americans?

[Critter]

I think you should chop off her head and put it on a pike outside your door.

--Medieval Spikey

That would unfortunately cause the landlord to stop by, which is always unpleasant.

The last time I saw my landlord I was standing in my kitchen cooking. He came barging in through my front door yelling at me about why rent was late. I had actually paid it the day prior so I yelled back that I had my receipt and to get the fuck out of my apartment. It actually caught him off guard and as I stormed up to him he actually quickly removed himself from the apartment and got on the phone. He knocked a bit later to say that my receipt checked out that they must have lost the money on his end somewhere and then he left.

Never got an apology from him for barging in, but haven't seen him since so it works out.

[Name Lips]

I don't know... even if I was the sort of asshole manager who barges into people's apartments without knocking, I might hesitate for a bit if I saw a bloody head on a pike outside. Especially if it had a sign under it: "Please knock next time."

[Janos]

Never got an apology from him for barging in, but haven't seen him since so it works out.

It depends on the state, but in most states that's illegal and your landlord has to give you advance notice to enter your premises without you opening the door. I'd look into that if he values your privacy so little.

[Critter]

It depends on the state, but in most states that's illegal and your landlord has to give you advance notice to enter your premises without you opening the door. I'd look into that if he values your privacy so little.

It is here, I'm fairly certain. It's why I had no issues being incredibly confrontational with him at that point.

Go ahead, try and evict me before my lease is up because I threatened you when you barged into my apartment unannounced being an asshole.

[Hatter]

I would suggest that in this state barging into an apartment unannounced is a great way to have your head blown off.

--Polite-Society Spikey

[SpikeyFreak]

This happened to a guy I know. I didn't witness the event, but I did see the blood everywhere.

Chuck lives in an apartment that's right on one of the main drags in Houston (Westheimer) - no fence or anything separating his front door from the road. A dude broke in in the middle of the night and Chuck caught him in the living room and threatened him with a .22 riffle. The guy fled the wrong way and tried to jump through a little window in the kitchen and ended up breaking it without getting completely out and cut himself on it, and while he was half way out my friend shot him in the ass.

And Chuck was completely naked the whole time.

--Bored Spikey

[AZRogue]

Just in case you find yourself in that position again, poison your cigarette butts. Seriously, get a small bowl with something foul in it, like antifreeze, and dip your filter in it each time you put a cigarette out.

It may save your life one day!

[shiningbrow]

Cat piss would work.

[Ancalagon]

Hello

Before you read this reply, please keep in mind that I am a mild mannered Canadian who's been called "the voice of reason" more than once.


Anyways, I open the door and this scrawny, 20s something girl weasels her way into my apartment,

Wait, what - she was a ninja or something? How did she get past you?

Eventually I try and create a reason to leave, and a reason to ask her to leave.

Wait, who replaced you with a wuss? Here is what I would do, where a stranger be in my house uninvited out of the blue.

1. Take a deep breath.

2. Look around for closest weapon like object. Bucher knife or a baseball bat are nice, but a chair will do nicely, heck a mug would. Grab the object.

3. Yell (with some spittle) " GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!! "

4. Should the stranger make any offensive move, attack.

It's your freaking place - your landlord had oh, 100 times more reason to be there, and you still (rightfully) told him to fuck off. This whole situation should never have happened.

edit for clarity: The reason I'm being so aggressive about this is that this is your *home*. This is where you live, your humble castle. There is no where else on earth there you have more the right to tell someone to leave and not return. By not defending your home, you are not defending your boundaries, you are signalling weakness, and put yourself at risk of being exploited or something.

[Critter]

Wait, what - she was a ninja or something? How did she get past you?

I opened the door wide and she was basically walking in as soon as I had opened the door. I was somewhat dumbfounded by this.

Wait, who replaced you with a wuss. Here is what I would do, where a stranger be in my house uninvited out of the blue.

It's not that I was somehow scared of this girl, but I was simply unsure of why she was here in the first place.

It's your freaking place - your landlord had oh, 100 times more reason to be there, and you still (rightfully) told him to fuck off. This whole situation should never have happened.

I told the landlord to fuck off because he barged in and was essentially combative from the start. It's pretty easy to react to that because intentions are laid out the second he opened the door.

When this girl showed up, I hadn't a clue as to why she was here or why she chose my door to knock on. Given the entire situation was odd, I figured I would at least hear her out and her bitching about whatever she was bitching about. She was passive, but I still kept an eye on her and she seemed like she just wanted to vent about something. I didn't run to grab a bat or anything, I figured I'd stay calm and hear her out as to not create a potential situation. If she had a knife or gun on her, I sure as hell didn't want to create a reason for her to pull one out.

I certainly didn't let her stay because I wanted sex or any such nonsense. She was seriously dirty and scary and I do have standards tucked away somewhere. I've been spraying my couch with Lysol at least once a day since she left. Seriously.

[Ancalagon]

I think I edited my post while you were replying, so be sure to scroll up.

Giving her a chance to explain herself is reasonable I suppose, but this went on way too long. You should have asked - right away - "why are you here? Who are you?". If she can't, or are dissembling - you ask her very firmly to leave. If she won't, call the cops or grab a weapon.

[Critter]

I think I edited my post while you were replying, so be sure to scroll up.

Giving her a chance to explain herself is reasonable I suppose, but this went on way too long. You should have asked - right away - "why are you here? Who are you?". If she can't, or are dissembling - you ask her very firmly to leave. If she won't, call the cops or grab a weapon.

See, she didn't "give" me a reason to ask her to leave. Sure, I have every right to flat out tell her to leave at any point, but she just sat on my couch smoking my cigarettes. She didn't ask to use the bathroom, hell, she didn't ask to do anything or ask me for anything. She just sat there rambling. Had she been asking me to do things to take my eyes off of her, or to leave the room or whatever then the situation would have been completely different as that sets off a lot of red flags like "she's trying to steal something".

As she kept coming back, she did the same thing. Didn't ask me to walk away or anything. Just wanted to sit smoking cigarettes and I had nothing of value sitting out anyway.

And while I will agree that it opens the door to be potentially exploited I'll simply say that I've gotten used to it. Not used to be exploited, mind you, but gotten used to spotting it. I am a nice guy and I'll help most anyone out in need if they simply ask (and ask nicely). Now, that doesn't mean I give out fortunes to every bum I see or anything so don't go jumping to that conclusion :)

[Ancalagon]

See, she didn't "give" me a reason to ask her to leave.

It's your HOME, you don't need a reason!!!

Had she been asking me to do things to take my eyes off of her, or to leave the room or whatever then the situation would have been completely different as that sets off a lot of red flags like "she's trying to steal something".

Her barging in uninvited in the only red flag you needed!

[Hatter]

Anc is right, you realize that her barging into your house is a crime, right?

[Ergeheilalt]

Well at least she entered uninvited over his threshold. I mean, the bromance between Critter and his roomie has gotta have level of mojo higher than that of just a confirmed bachelor. That said, it is a rental, so the threshold may be pretty weak. Hmm.

[Critter]

Well at least she entered uninvited over his threshold. I mean, the bromance between Critter and his roomie has gotta have level of mojo higher than that of just a confirmed bachelor. That said, it is a rental, so the threshold may be pretty weak. Hmm.

My roommate is far too ugly for my tastes anyway :)

Besides, every few days I make it a point to remind him how amazing his hairline is. He generally tries to punch me but I am far faster than he is. Actually, over the summer I got the neighbors kids to knock on our door, my roommate answered, and the two kids (4 and 6) both hugged him and told him they were proud of his hair line. He tried to run me down for that one, but he smokes far more cigarettes than I do in a day, so it worked out.

He has since shaved his head entirely.

[Hatter]

My SO wants to know why this thread has not turned into a discussion on how to improve security in your apartment.

[Brynja]

Because this is funnier.

[bunny]

That was my initial thought, so I kept a close eye on her. Thankfully neither my roommate or I have anything really valueable other than the Xbox 360. We do have a new 60in rear-projection TV but this girl couldn't have weighed more than 100lbs so I doubt that's a concern.

...

Oh, and according to me neighbor she's the girlfriend of one of the local meth lab guys so this is certainly the type of attention I love to attract.


Does it not occur to you that maybe she was sent in first to case the place and her meth head boyfriend and his buddies are the ones who'll end up doing the heavy lifting?

Take appropriate measures for a while. I don't mean to make you paranoid, but a 60 inch tv would buy a lot of meth.

[Hatter]

It's not that expensive anymore to hook up cameras in an apartment. Especially if you just need to point one at the front door.

[Janos]

My SO wants to know why this thread has not turned into a discussion on how to improve security in your apartment.

Because no security measures* will prevent Critter from being stupid enough to just open the door again when they knock.

*Does a bullet to your own head count as a security measure?

[Dawnstar]

Next time Do not let her in and if she gets in, KICK HER OUT.

[shiningbrow]

^What she said. And if that pro-active landlord of yours shows up again, mention that this is a problem to him and if you don't have a chain on your door, demand that one be installed in the interests of your safety and security.

[Ancalagon]

My SO wants to know why this thread has not turned into a discussion on how to improve security in your apartment.

Isn't grabbing an improvised weapon and going berserk a form of security?

[shiningbrow]

Sure, especially if it lands you behind bars. What could be more secure than to be incarcerated?

[Name Lips]

Isn't grabbing an improvised weapon and going berserk a form of security?

A pike isn't "improvised."

[Critter]

From my understanding, the state of Kentucky is very, very lenient on issues involving home privacy. If someone's in your place and you don't want them there you could probably get away with some creative measures of getting rid of them.

[hobbiteer]

I'm still confused. Do you not have a peephole in the door?

[Ergeheilalt]

I'm still confused. Do you not have a peephole in the door?

No, no, no. The question, my dear hobbiteer, is if his door had a glory hole, how many STDs would critter have after achieving said glory.

Wait. What?

[Vermicious Knid]

This is all a matter of technique.

1. Begin opening the door.
2. As the door opens, it will create a space. DO NOT become over-enthusiastic and create a space too large for you to control.
3. Step forward slightly into the space you have created.
4. Please keep in mind that steps 1-3 should all happen as one fluid motion. Practice this if necessary.
5. Ask your visitor what they want.

In an area with wandering zombies, meth dealers, mormons, or other dangerous denizens it is best to amend this procedure by installing a peephole, a camera + intercom, or a trap door + oubliette (depending on your financial means and personal taste).

[Hatter]

Or do what I do and just don't open the door unless you are expecting someone.

[hobbiteer]

No, no, no. The question, my dear hobbiteer, is if his door had a glory hole, how many STDs would critter have after achieving said glory.

Wait. What?



LOL. Peephole, not gloryhole. And if it was meth chick, I'm laying odds for at least 5.
I like to call it, hepagynasyphilimittiaids type c.
And I want to install the trapdoor with spikes at the bottom.

[bunny]

In an area with wandering zombies, meth dealers, mormons, or other dangerous denizens it is best to amend this procedure by installing a peephole, a camera + intercom, or a trap door + oubliette (depending on your financial means and personal taste).


I would love an oubliette but they are hobby projects like arm mounted flame throwers, not something I could simply pick up at Price's Alarm and Security and install myself. Too bad, really.

[Brynja]

My other half is a builder of all sorts of things I am sure he could help you with the plans for one bunny.

[SpikeyFreak]

My other half is a builder of all sorts of things I am sure he could help you with the plans for one bunny.
Sign me up. Then when my children start to act up I can threaten them with, "Don't make me send you to your oubliette!"

--Dreamer Spikey

[Brynja]

In theory that can still be their room if you don't splatter it with electronics that make going to their room not suck.

[doc]

I still don't understand why Critter didn't just haul her out by her hair.

[Critter]

I still don't understand why Critter didn't just haul her out by her hair.

She was gross and I didn't want to touch her.

[doc]

She was gross and I didn't want to touch her.

Wear gloves ! You seen her again ? Collecting butts for her ??

[Critter]

Wear gloves ! You seen her again ? Collecting butts for her ??

No, I generally leave out of my backdoor when I go walking places and don't take the car and she hasn't stopped by as far as I know since then.

[doc]

You know compared to some of the folks that hang out here, she might be as normal as you're going to get.

[Pigs in Space]

You know compared to some of the folks that hang out here, she might be as normal as you're going to get.

This is true, imagine if Doc turned up on your doorstep.

:grey:

[Critter]

This is true, imagine if Doc turned up on your doorstep.

:grey:

As long as he doesn't focus on my cigarette butts, I think we'd do just fine.

[Glass]

As long as he doesn't focus on my cigarette butts, I think we'd do just fine.
You want him to...focus on the other kind of butt you've got?:rainbowflag:

[Atropine Mama]

POOPERSEXXORS!!!1!

:wasntme:

[SpikeyFreak]

In theory that can still be their room if you don't splatter it with electronics that make going to their room not suck.
The defining factor of an oubliette is the only entrance is in the top. I'm not sure how YOUR house is set up, but I don't have an rooms like that.

Cause if I did, that'd be my kids' oubliette.

--Wishful Spikey

[Brynja]

I totally get into MY bedroom that way.

[Critter]

You want him to...focus on the other kind of butt you've got?:rainbowflag:

I don't think Doc could handle this butt.

[Glass]

I don't think Doc could handle this butt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRmYfVCH2UA

[Critter]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU

As it turns out, leaving out my back door probably won't work anymore. I saw her out back earlier when I went to leave for a walk. She was just wandering around so she was probably just high as a kite, so I left out front to avoid her.