Rant 2: I Fucking Hate Matt Lauer

[Keeper of Secrets]

The forum blurb said this was for personal thoughts. Here's a goddam personal thought: I hope Matt Lauer chokes on an Azathoth sized cock. I have had a fucking hate on for this chode for 28 years. I'll explain more about that later. What makes this turd burglar think he can come on TV - the Today show no less - and subject us to such mind numbing segments as 'Where in the World is Matt Lauer?' I'll tell you where he is - my shit list.

Back in 1979 this cockmaster showed up in my hometown to do the news. What a prissy little ass he was back then, too. I thought he was a prick then and not much has changed. Imagine my surprise when during Christmas my aunt brought him to my grandparent's house as her date. First, he walks in like he is some kind of fucking hot shit celebrity (which in my home town the only celebrity of any note is and always will be Mr. Cartoon). Anyway, this fucker waltzes in with all the charm of an otyugh and says, 'hey squirt.'

Fuck you. You'll be squirting blood. Sure as shit. Try it one more time, fuckknuckle.

Anyway, after the rude comment, I realize this shit for brains is there empty handed (unless you count the endless ass grabbing of my aunt - keeps your hands to yourself on Christmas day, chuckles). So this cocksmoker brings no gifts and plops his ass down and turns off How the Grinch Stole Christmas so he can check the news. The goddam news. Apparently the asswipe wanted to see who was filling in for him. Fuck you. Do it again, motherfucker and we'll see a new show - How Keeper Stole Matt Lauer's Liver.

Now this is not the only thing that pisses me off. Eventually my aunt washes out the blonde from a bottle hairstyle she has, wakes up and sends his sorry ass to the curb. Best thing she ever did (though she made some mean pot brownies when my parents were stupid enough to leave me with her to babysit).

The fucker knocks his way around the US, shitting in city after city and eventually lands on the Today show. Now, I hardly get up early enough to see the Today show but from what little I've seen it seems like a bunch of vapid nitwits, sitting around drinking shitty coffee, inviting on shitty guests (fuck you, Hillary Clinton) and making stupid comments like, 'we'll never forget this tragedy.' Asshole. I swear to gof it makes me want to put a fist through the TV (not my fist but someone's). That smug 'I Just Fucked Your Aunt' look on his face is priceless. His shitty haircut looks like something he paid a homeless skank with a 32 inch gunt to do for him.

Just a week or so ago he interviewed Prince Harry and Prince William. Oh Jesus-Jumped Up Christ! Go ahead and bring back MORE fucking memories of Princess Diana, you cuntrag. You know what kind of brilliant questions this monkey spank asked? "What would your mom be doing now if she were alive?" Hey, asshole! I can answer that one. She'd be clawing and screaming to be let out. How's that for an answer?! Did you just get off the Bangbus, man? Ask a good question like, 'Based upon what a gold digging, cock craving ho your mom was, how can you be sure Prince Dumbo is really your dad?" Grow a sack, you festering labia!

Finally, if I have to hear another fucking word about how classy you think Katie Couric is, I swear by all that is unholy, I will drive to the NBC studios, bust my ass into the Today show set and beat your head in with a fucking crowbar. I'll be pissed as it is, having to get up so goddam early for your piece of shit show. Fuck you.

You better sleep with one eye open, dick cheese cause I am coming for you!

[azrael]

soooooooooooo

you selling tickets to your road trip?

a

[Atropine Mama]

You had a thing for your pot-smokin' aunt, didn't you? :eyebrows:

(runs for cover)

[Brynja]

You need to post more of these- seriously they are comedy gold.

[Keeper of Secrets]

Aunt Suzie had to be on pot to go out with that sack of shit, Lauer. Of course, when I went to high school (the same high school as Suzie) they patted me down regularly to make sure this was an apple that didn't fall too close to the tree. Between her and my Aunt Jeanie, I was a goodam criminal day one at that school.

Fuck it. I blame Lauer.

I even sit up at night in a cold sweat, rise up out of bed and scram, 'LAUER!' just like Captian Kirk with Kahn.

[Keeper of Secrets]

You need to post more of these- seriously they are comedy gold.

Don't worry. I got one stored up for why I hate Peeps, too!

[Atropine Mama]

Oh man, the Peeps rant must make Matt Lauer look like a confetti-filled angel pinata. :eek:

[strawberry]

Don't worry. I got one stored up for why I hate Peeps, too!

:(

[Keeper of Secrets]

Oh man, the Peeps rant must make Matt Lauer look like a confetti-filled angel pinata. :eek:

The worst thing about airing my hate for Peeps is this: guess what every asshole at work gets me around Easter as a fucking 'joke?' Ha-fucking-Ha, shitheels. I wanna punch all these hags in their gunts.

[Brynja]

When you expose your soft underbelly to the predator of course they strike.

Don't be such a dumbass and tell them you dislike shit.

[Keeper of Secrets]

When you expose your soft underbelly to the predator of course they strike.

Don't be such a dumbass and tell them you dislike shit.

Eh, you know me . . . always shooting my mouth off.

What's also funny is despite my screen name, Keeper of Secrets, I am known as the workplace gossip. People always come to me for the latest scoop on shit.

[Brynja]

Why not change your name to

Speaker of Secrets or something.

[Keeper of Secrets]

And for those of you who don't know what this piece of shit looks like (like you overseas fuckers) . . .

[Lisa Nadazdy]

Nine out of ten Lisa's agree: he looks like a tool (the tenth Lisa thinks like a complete tool).

[Keeper of Secrets]

Nine out of ten Lisa's agree: he looks like a tool (the tenth Lisa thinks like a complete tool).


I have no idea what my aunt saw in him.

[Lisa Nadazdy]

I have no idea what my aunt saw in him.

You know, I have an uncanny instinct for dtecting losers. I wish more people in my family talk to me before marrying some of the assholes that they do; it would save them a world of grief if they did.

[Keeper of Secrets]

You know, I have an uncanny instinct for dtecting losers. I wish more people in my family talk to me before marrying some of the assholes that they do; it would save them a world of grief if they did.

I have mixed feelings. She never did marry this douche (but if she did she would send better Christmas gifts). On the other hand, the dude she did marry is kind of cool.

[Atropine Mama]

I have mixed feelings. She never did marry this douche (but if she did she would send better Christmas gifts). On the other hand, the dude she did marry is kind of cool.

The womenfolk in my family call that "a narrow escape", getting away from the asshole and then ending up with a really good partner.

[Keeper of Secrets]

The womenfolk in my family call that "a narrow escape", getting away from the asshole and then ending up with a really good partner.


Ugh. I will have to tell my Aunt Jeanie about that. She managed to hook up with the biggest fucktards in the world. Jesus what a bunch of shitheads she managed to date (and marry).

[Dawnstar]

The worst thing about airing my hate for Peeps is this: guess what every asshole at work gets me around Easter as a fucking 'joke?' Ha-fucking-Ha, shitheels. I wanna punch all these hags in their gunts.

Note to self - do not get Keeper Peeps for easter. CHECK

[Keeper of Secrets]

Note to self - do not get Keeper Peeps for easter. CHECK

If I find the peeps busting out the Peeps, they're gonna get a pop in the peepers

[Northcott]

Ugh. I will have to tell my Aunt Jeanie about that. She managed to hook up with the biggest fucktards in the world. Jesus what a bunch of shitheads she managed to date (and marry).

Before people mature, they have horrid taste in partners. It's almost a universal thing. Guys do stupid shit and act like drooling slack-jawed doormats for pretty girls, whereas girls are magnetically drawn toward jag-offs because they can't tell the difference between "asshole" and "confident".

I had a friend who I used to tease about that. Put her in a room with 500 guys who all look exactly alike, dress the same, have the same job, wear the same cologne -- and she'll only be attracted to the one who's an asshole that will treat her like shit. After four or five gigantic asswipes for boyfriends (and watching her refuse to go out with a great guy because he was "too nice"), she finally found a guy who treats her decently. So she, of course, periodically shit-talks him.

The sad truth is that some (many?) people never grow up.

By the way, this?
"What would your mom be doing now if she were alive?" Hey, asshole! I can answer that one. She'd be clawing and screaming to be let out.

Is art. Beautiful, beautiful art. :D

[Keeper of Secrets]

Before people mature, they have horrid taste in partners. It's almost a universal thing. Guys do stupid shit and act like drooling slack-jawed doormats for pretty girls, whereas girls are magnetically drawn toward jag-offs because they can't tell the difference between "asshole" and "confident".

I had a friend who I used to tease about that. Put her in a room with 500 guys who all look exactly alike, dress the same, have the same job, wear the same cologne -- and she'll only be attracted to the one who's an asshole that will treat her like shit. After four or five gigantic asswipes for boyfriends (and watching her refuse to go out with a great guy because he was "too nice"), she finally found a guy who treats her decently. So she, of course, periodically shit-talks him.

The sad truth is that some (many?) people never grow up.

By the way, this?


Is art. Beautiful, beautiful art. :D

Were you one of the guys she dated? :D

Seriously, thanks for the compliament!

[Northcott]

Were you one of the guys she dated? :D

Seriously, thanks for the compliament!

I was safe. I was already going out with her best friend. :D


And no prob. It was great. Reminded me of when, in Grade 9, our geography teacher made us stand up, one by one, say our names and what our father did as a career by way of introducing ourselves to the class.

My buddy, Bryon, who's father had died several years before with cancer, stood up and said: "Hi. My name is Bryon T. My father is into gardening." And sat back down. Most of the class didn't get it. Those who did sat their with shocked looks on their faces, and a couple burst into laughter. The teacher gave us shit for mocking his father's career.

[Keeper of Secrets]

I was safe. I was already going out with her best friend. :D


And no prob. It was great. Reminded me of when, in Grade 9, our geography teacher made us stand up, one by one, say our names and what our father did as a career by way of introducing ourselves to the class.

My buddy, Bryon, who's father had died several years before with cancer, stood up and said: "Hi. My name is Bryon T. My father is into gardening." And sat back down. Most of the class didn't get it. Those who did sat their with shocked looks on their faces, and a couple burst into laughter. The teacher gave us shit for mocking his father's career.

Jesus that is cold! Pos rep for Bryon!

[Northcott]

Oh, man. The fucking jokes we used to play on each other... an all-boys school of Catholic youth is a horrid, horrid thing. When you remove the civilizing effect of trying to appear nicer than they really are (for the benefit of landing a girl, of course), a group of lads can become insanely cold. And laugh at every moment of it.

[Brynja]

Yes you are a bunch of wild fucking animals.

I started at Cardinal Hayes as a teacher- you were all raised by wolves.

[Keeper of Secrets]

Oh, man. The fucking jokes we used to play on each other... an all-boys school of Catholic youth is a horrid, horrid thing. When you remove the civilizing effect of trying to appear nicer than they really are (for the benefit of landing a girl, of course), a group of lads can become insanely cold. And laugh at every moment of it.

I went to Catholic school, too. Not all boys but it was kinda chaotic. In fact it was the same high school Margo went to.

[Merganser]

Until today, I had never heard of Matt Lauer. You know what that makes me?

Better-off than Keeper of Secrets, that's what. Also handsomer.

[Janos]

I went to 4 years of Catholic hell myself. Biggest cesspit I've ever seen. It was damn fun for an angry juvenile delequent like myself, but a horrible place for a real education.

I was posting my actual high school stories for Maddman to use as fucked up plot hooks in his Buffy adventure recently.

[GreyOne]

Hey KoS, can you do Paris Hilton next?

Please?

[Keeper of Secrets]

I went to 4 years of Catholic hell myself. Biggest cesspit I've ever seen. It was damn fun for an angry juvenile delequent like myself, but a horrible place for a real education.

I was posting my actual high school stories for Maddman to use as fucked up plot hooks in his Buffy adventure recently.

I kinda liked Catholic school, actually. It was a REALLY small school since it was in West Virginia - not exactly a bastion of Catholicism.

[Keeper of Secrets]

Hey KoS, can you do Paris Hilton next?

Please?

This may come as something of a surprise but I don't feel very strongly about Paris Hilton one way or another. I would not be able to work up the bile towards her.

However, I am sure someone will piss me off at GenCon so when I get back I will likely be brimming with a Fred Phelps level of hatred and fury.

[NGRI]

The worst thing about airing my hate for Peeps is this: guess what every asshole at work gets me around Easter as a fucking 'joke?' Ha-fucking-Ha, shitheels. I wanna punch all these hags in their gunts.

I agree giving you peeps for your birthday is lame. That's why I always give you gift certificates for Arbys. :D

[Northcott]

I went to 4 years of Catholic hell myself. Biggest cesspit I've ever seen. It was damn fun for an angry juvenile delequent like myself, but a horrible place for a real education.

I was posting my actual high school stories for Maddman to use as fucked up plot hooks in his Buffy adventure recently.

We got a great eduction at St. Jerome's... one of the highest rated in the province. We were just maniacs in the process. Our teachers were nutjobs, too, though, so that kind of helped. One got suspended for taking a cane to a student's face -- the punk deserved worse, really, but y'know... rules and all that jazz.

I think there's a photo in one of the old yearbooks of Mr. Thompson doing a handstand on a window ledge two or three stories up. He was the chemistry teacher. A real nutjob who, we were convinced, used to make LSD in the lab after hours. Years later one of the guys attended an open house for a home that was up for sale, entered the place, and found naked pictures of the home-owners on the wall, some in fairly questionable positions. After a few moments of staring at them in shock, he burst out laughing -- it was Thompson and his wife. Thompson also referred to the aforementioned Bryon as "shithead" for the first half of grade 9, rather than use his real name. This changed when Rich C. managed to do something so abysmally stupid that Bryon got his name back and Rich became the new "shithead".

Thompson used to hang out with Spence and Fleizig -- the auto shop and drafting teachers, respectively. All three were into weight-lifting, which helped keeping the kids in line. Spence was eventually fired when it was discovered that he was using the auto shop to repair cars that he was collecting money for... or was it that he was using the donation cars from a nearby car company for personal use? One of the two.

Either way, the three of them used to dress up in snowmobile suits, full gauntlets, and helmets in the summer. They'd then go running around the woods with trash-can lids in hand... shooting flares at each other. Their idea of playing "war".


In short, we had a staff of teachers perfectly suited to deal with the kids who were raised by wolves. ;)

[doc]

So how old were you that Chirstmas and how hot is aunt Suzie ?

[Keeper of Secrets]

So how old were you that Chirstmas and how hot is aunt Suzie ?


I was probably six or seven when I first developed my own personal Lauer Hate-on.

As far as Aunt Suzie goes, here is a picture of her last year. So when she was dating that fuck-head, Lauer, it would have been 25 years ago or so.

[doc]

Ain't bad, I'ld hit it

[Brynja]

You would hit a sloppy wet hole in the ground.

[Janos]

You have hit a sloppy wet hole in the ground.

:D

[Atropine Mama]

:D

Sadly, your shit is incorrect. The hole in the ground turned him down. It was only attracted to other holes in the ground.

[Brynja]

Though the hole said it was her, and not Doc. That was a small consoliation to our downhome boy.

[doc]

You would hit a sloppy wet hole in the ground.

It would have to be a cute hole !!!

[shabois]

I don't know what is more disturbing, the latent feelings you have for you hot aunt? The fact that she would stoop to dating that fucker Matt Lauer?? Or the fact we are discussing her fuckability??? :confused::D

[Keeper of Secrets]

I don't know what is more disturbing, the latent feelings you have for you hot aunt? The fact that she would stoop to dating that fucker Matt Lauer?? Or the fact we are discussing her fuckability??? :confused::D


I am not discussing her ability to fuck. Doc, the resident dirty old man is. Frankly, Doc is a disturbing soul.