And life keeps going...

[Schizm]

So, right near the middle of November, My ex-wife called me up with the infamous "we need to talk" line. I dealt with it in a timely manner, because she specified that it was important in relationship to my (our) daughter.

The ex wife told me that she was just unable to take care of the kiddo half-time any more, and that she wanted to move to Pittsburgh (where an old mutual acquaintance had a place for her to stay until a job is found, and a place to live. She told me that she was leaving at the end of December. I stated that my kid was not going to be leaving, and would continue with her school. The ex agreed, and asked if could be a school-year custody based arrangement. I agreed.

Given my rather long trip out of town on business that occurred two days later, The only "official" document that has occurred is a notarized letter from the ex stating the intent to change the custody agreement in the way specified above (with a few extra bits, like who drops off the kid and such later). I intend to actually file documents with the court to these effects at a relatively soon time, but for the moment, I'm leaving it as it is.

Meanwhile, the ex left town on December 27th, my five year old daughter is incredibly confused about what the hell is going on, and I'm just trying to figure out how to explain to her that life is changing so drastically (without putting my own personal prejudices and opinions onto the explanation).

I guess this just marks a new phase to life now, but how long do I let her mother's inherent instability affect her life in such drastic ways? She had a bit of a breakdown tonight, with an "I miss mommy" apparently thrown in (breakdown started at NameLips & Emerald's house before I got back there from work). she's eaten, calmed down and passed out now... but I feel for her. I just can't really explain why this is happening to her.

[Lady Fury]

First off I wanted to say that you are really a stand up dad. Your daughter, if she doesn't already realize this, will be ever thankful for this. As for explaining what's going on with her mom, well you may want someone other then you to do that task because you are so close to the situation. Have you thought about family counseling for the two of you? I can't image ever abandoning my own children so I have no idea what is going through that woman's mind.

Keeping your daughter on a consistent schedule will make her feel safe. That's the best thing you can do for her right now. Lots of love but also firm rules so that she feels like her life is under control.

When does your daughter get to see her mom next? Hopefully you two can figure out an arrangement where there is a time table that your daughter can look forward to and expect to see her mother. Little girls aren't going to understand the adult issues that surround her and I have no idea how you can work around that, hence family consoling maybe.

I know you have a good support system set up but remember to make time for yourself even if it's just for 15-20 mins a day.

[Schizm]

First off I wanted to say that you are really a stand up dad. Your daughter, if she doesn't already realize this, will be ever thankful for this. As for explaining what's going on with her mom, well you may want someone other then you to do that task because you are so close to the situation. Have you thought about family counseling for the two of you? I can't image ever abandoning my own children so I have no idea what is going through that woman's mind.

A lot of people don't. In fact, it's the pretty typical reaction.

Keeping your daughter on a consistent schedule will make her feel safe. That's the best thing you can do for her right now. Lots of love but also firm rules so that she feels like her life is under control.

Yeah, It doesn't help that this is the kiddo's first year in kindergarten, and she really loves it.. and that this happened right at winter break! the stability of her routine was incredibly disrupted all at once.

When does your daughter get to see her mom next?
As it stands now? early June.

Hopefully you two can figure out an arrangement where there is a time table that your daughter can look forward to and expect to see her mother. Little girls aren't going to understand the adult issues that surround her and I have no idea how you can work around that, hence family consoling maybe.

The problem is that the kiddo doesn't really have that kind of conception of time yet. anything beyond a week is a bit hard to grasp, (despite the fact that she's starting to do addition, and reading faster and faster). We'll see how hard the next couple of weeks are for her - I think it'll actually be better when school starts again, because she really likes it.

I know you have a good support system set up but remember to make time for yourself even if it's just for 15-20 mins a day.

Not too much a problem, if I am willing to either forgo sleep or just stick to the bedtime schedule for the kiddo that I set (which I usually do, unless she crashes first).

I'm actually not even that overwhelmed by it, because I've been expecting it for a while, it's just a bit tiring re-adjusting. I'd actually been putting off writing about it until it actually happens, but... the first part of it really seems to have.

The only real question left is if the ex will actually manage to find employment in Pittsburgh in time to actually pull together a place to live, and child care for the summer. If she does, I have to deliver the kiddo to her out there (and you can damn well bet I'll be inspecting the living environment at the same time) in early June.

[Lady Fury]

The only real question left is if the ex will actually manage to find employment in Pittsburgh in time to actually pull together a place to live, and child care for the summer. If she does, I have to deliver the kiddo to her out there (and you can damn well bet I'll be inspecting the living environment at the same time) in early June.


Do you have to? I'm sure the courts would see things more in your favor at this point then hers. I have a daughter who is in kindergarten as well. Stability is very important for her. (She does have a little bit of OCD so I don't know how much that plays into it.) Moving your daughter across state lines doesn't seem like something healthy to do for your daughter. I suppose when the time comes you'll know for certain what you think is best for your daughter.

[Schizm]

Do you have to? I'm sure the courts would see things more in your favor at this point then hers. I have a daughter who is in kindergarten as well. Stability is very important for her. (She does have a little bit of OCD so I don't know how much that plays into it.) Moving your daughter across state lines doesn't seem like something healthy to do for your daughter. I suppose when the time comes you'll know for certain what you think is best for your daughter.

For the summer. Thalia (the kid) would be back with me in the fall for school. To be honest, I'm still debating how far I want to take this in terms of a court... do I give the ex another chance to pull her life together, or do I just go after full custody because it's obvious that it would be better for my kid?

would the courts side with me, given the problem of my Y chromosome? It's all... insane.

[Lady Fury]

Only you can make that decision. You know your ex better then any of us. As for your Y-Chromosome condition, I can fix that for you if you'd like. Just send me a frozen blood sample and give me about a week. :wasntme:

[Northcott]

Sorry to hear it, man. I don't have words for your tale beyond that. My daughter's four, and it'd break my heart to stand where you are, and see my child going through the same things. You're doing a brilliant job of soldiering on, and providing a stable foundation for your girl.

[cyphersmith]

For the summer. Thalia (the kid) would be back with me in the fall for school. To be honest, I'm still debating how far I want to take this in terms of a court... do I give the ex another chance to pull her life together, or do I just go after full custody because it's obvious that it would be better for my kid?

would the courts side with me, given the problem of my Y chromosome? It's all... insane.

That Y chromosome problem isn't a deal breaker. My brother's ex-wife is pretty much unable to hold a job, and has been so for a while. My brother won full custody when they got divorced, though I am not sure how much she fought it, if at all.

[Radu]

You know, as always, that I'm ready to offer my support as well. It sucks for Thalia, but the good news is that in the long run she'll be better off for it.

It's strange to say this, but while I have nothing but contempt for your ex and the whole situation leading up to the divorce and her subsequent actions, I actually hope she pulls herself out of the shitter back east.... but I'm not holding my breath.

If it turns out that she's not able to provide for Thalia by summer, I wouldn't hesitate to take it to the courts and lay it all out in the open. Sure, you're a man, but you're a man with a steady job with good prospects for advancement, you've had this stable employment for over a year, and have been able to provide your daughter with as stable a living environment as it was possible for you to provide given the split custody arrangement you have with the ex.

Plus, if you need character witnesses, you have Name Lips, Emerald, and myself who can give evidence of your love for Thalia and how much she means to you. I'd say things aren't as bleak as they may seem, legal-wise.

Let me know if you need anything I can help you with, man. Name it and you've got it.

[tleilaxu]

kids are tougher than most people think. as long as your daughter knows its not her fault, and that mommy and daddy both love her, she'll deal with it. stay strong :)

[Cat of Ulthar]

As to how to explain it to your daughter: kids are very understanding, but do need explanations. She may be thinking anything if you don't explain, up to that mummy doesn't love her any more.

I think the best thing you can do is agree on an explanation with the ex and stick to that story. Could you explain that mummy has no money so needs to go to Pittsburgh to try and get a job, because there are no jobs for her where you live? I think it is best that you and the ex explain it to her, and not other adults, because she trusts you most.

I know bugger all about pedagogy, I am just trying to remember what I was like as a child.:o

[shiningbrow]

The most important thing you can do is be there for her. Make clear that she can count on you no matter what and try to explain as best you can that her mother needs to find a job. That might be hard to grasp, but as long as she knows she's got one reliable parent, it will make all the difference, regardless of the other suffering. I'm sure she'll be sad for a while, but children are resilient and as long as she is kept agreeably occupied with school, friends and other family, she's going to be ok.

[Lady_Acoma]

My ex's youngest still calls me all the time (at least a couple times a week, sometimes nightly depending on what is on his mind) because he knows he can count on me. That is the most important thing for him.

His mother did abandon him in my care. She decided to be homeless, no seriously she told me that was what she was going off to do. His older sister went with their mother (17), his older brother went with his father (14). Caleb was left in my home with me and the guy he had known as his father his whole life. The guy was living on my good will and Caleb knew it, so did his mother, she was counting on it. I was in charge for 3 months while hitch hiked around and then turned into a drugged out festival flunkie. When she took him back it was at the insistence of her father and not because she really wanted him as more then just an occasional play thing.

The kid knew this. I was honest with him in most regards in that he knew his mom had made some choices I didn't see as safe, but I also told him they were her choices to make but that he had me there no matter what.

He still sees far more then anyone around him gives him credit for, but she is his mother and so he loves her and tries to do what is right and be strong. He is 10. Regardless I am still his stability, that was the most important thing for me to establish, that I was going to try to be as safe as I possibly could be for him at all times. Hopefully it will be enough to help him get by. He knows he can call and find something normal. Finding something normal can be everything.

[bunny]

kids are tougher than most people think. as long as your daughter knows its not her fault, and that mommy and daddy both love her, she'll deal with it. stay strong :)

As to how to explain it to your daughter: kids are very understanding, but do need explanations. She may be thinking anything if you don't explain, up to that mummy doesn't love her any more.

These struck me as important points. Often children start to blame themselves when a parent leaves abruptly. As she gets older it will become easier for her to understand but right now your daughter needs to know she is loved and that her mom left for her own reasons. You have a rough road ahead for the next year. It sounds like you are doing a great job for providing a stable home. Best wishes.

[Northcott]

story

That kind of thing drives me batshit. I dealt with a lot of neglected and abused kids waaaay back, when I worked as a camp councilor.

[Schizm]

random update:

So the ex finally called to talk to the kiddo more last night. she also told me she got a job... which I have since found out is at a Taco Bell.

She moved thousands of miles across the country, virtually abandoning her kid, to get a job at taco. fucking. bell.

[Droid101]

random update:

So the ex finally called to talk to the kiddo more last night. she also told me she got a job... which I have since found out is at a Taco Bell.

She moved thousands of miles across the country, virtually abandoning her kid, to get a job at taco. fucking. bell.

Can she get me a free Nachos Bell Grande?

[Schizm]

Can she get me a free Nachos Bell Grande?

One assumes yes, if you go to Pittsburgh to get them.

[lindaw]

as far as i am concerned with the state of things i would give you custody...you are giving the wee one stability in her life and love and providing a good home and that is what the courts like to see..

the courts wont look at your ex favourable as they will look at it as she walked out of the family....i dont know much about the family law but i am sure that they would look down on you as the better parent.....the wee one cant just be uprooted everytime your wife wants too....your doing well and as long as the wee one knows that the split isnt anything to do with her...young kids always think that.....then she will adapt...plenty of love and she will be okay......good luck to you and the wee one...

[Name Lips]

I don't have a problem with people working fast food. I've been there. Most people have been there. Gotta start at the bottom, right?

But there must be 5 Taco Bells within a half-mile radius of my house. Must be dozens in Albuquerque (where she moved from and where Schizm and I live). If THAT was her plan she could have done it here.

[Schizm]

That is in, in fact, the exact point. Moving across the country because "she can't find a job here" in order to get a job at a fast food resteraunt (and yes, there's dozens of them in the area) smacks of desperation about something non job related.

[shiningbrow]

It is beyond me how someone can give up access to their one child in order to work for minimum wage at a fast food restaurant on the other side of the United States. That's clearly a signal of her priorities--the child does not come close to the top. I could really understand a mother sacrificing access because of wanting to give her child the best in life if that meant gaining a job with a really good salary. You are right. There are a zillion fast food restaurants easily within a couple hours of your house that would enable her to stay in close proximity to her daughter (allowing her access at least if not the ability to contribute to child support). Something is rotten in Denmark.

[Droid101]

That is in, in fact, the exact point. Moving across the country because "she can't find a job here" in order to get a job at a fast food resteraunt (and yes, there's dozens of them in the area) smacks of desperation about something non job related.

Do you think she's seeing someone else or something? Maybe that's it?

I dunno. Don't know why I just thought of that. Sorry if it upsets you.

[Schizm]

Do you think she's seeing someone else or something? Maybe that's it?

I dunno. Don't know why I just thought of that. Sorry if it upsets you.

Nah, It doesn't upset me. she can see whoever she likes - I don't really care who she does on her own time.