Need advice quickly

[Hatter]

Short version:

Should I go to a dinner and a show with my BF and his family whom he is not out to?

Notes:
1. Ticket suddenly became available due to a last minute cancellation and they're trying to find a spot for it. So it's not like I'm a special guest.
2. He is fine with me going or staying. Totally up to me.
3. I'd like to get to know his family a bit, but it'd be fairly risky for him (his family is rather clever) and I've no interest in outing him.

I can't really decide and I'm certain I'm not thinking it through and I need to make a decision quickly. So come on cadets throw me some wisdom, I know you bunch are packing.

[Harry]

Yes. Since the BF is cool with it, go and just follow his signals. Go with the flow. Enjoy yourself. Hopefully the BF will give you a better idea of how to comport yourself before you're in too deep.

Have a ball. What's the show?

[Cat's Paw Nebula]

I concur, but I'd ask him "Look, this may out you if they figure it out despite our efforts to be cool. Are you ok with that risk?"

[Caliphis]

If you think you can pull it off then I say go for it.

Follow his signals and try not to clue the family in. This way, when he does come out, his family will already know you a little and hopefully like you.

On a side note, if they are a loving family at all clever, and are not burying their collective heads in the sand, then they already know and are waiting for him to be comfortable enough to tell them on his own terms.

[Lady_Acoma]

Or if they notice you, but don't want to notice him they will happily live in intentional ignorance... I have an aunt that does this amazingly well.

[Black Angel]

If you think you can pull it off then I say go for it.

Follow his signals and try not to clue the family in. This way, when he does come out, his family will already know you a little and hopefully like you.

On a side note, if they are a loving family at all clever, and are not burying their collective heads in the sand, then they already know and are waiting for him to be comfortable enough to tell them on his own terms.

This is my opinion also.
:)

[The Winslow]

Just behave as a good buddy. Since there's family, it's not like you're on a date.

[Brynja]

Am I the only one who is also a little offended by the situation Hatter is being invited into?

1. Oh hai! I haven't told my family- so act cool.

That is a bit rude. They are together. A couple- that shit wouldn't fly if it were a boyfriend girlfriend couple would it? I highly doubt it - I know that this is a controversial issue for some folks in the world but *shrugs*


2. Oh hai! Meet my good buddy Hatter!

Lie! I am uncomfortable he invited you to be party to a lie...well not a lie, you guys are friends too but an intentional mislead of his family. But if that is not the case is it


3. Oh hai! Can you do my dirty work for me and out me to my family?

I am not seeing any positives here- if you meet the fam and they meet you it should be as the relationship truly is not as he wans to sneak around as.

you are awesome and honestly there may be more and i am oversimplifying but...he needs to sack up and talk to them first so you dont have to play the painfully obvious good buddy role. Its painfully obvious because i have been meeting good friends now from my uncle for years.


In short I wouldnt go.

[Dawnstar]

I agree with a lot of what is said above. Bella has some really good points about it not really being fair to you. I mean how long have you guys been together, and does he ever plan on coming out to his family? if the answer the last question is no then you need to decided if you are okay with living in the lie.

But then I also see the, go with him and get to know them, comments as well. I am sorry I am not any help. but good luck.

[The Winslow]

Bella has some really good points about it
I think that's Brynja. Bella is Kapo.

[Hatter]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice. I've decided to go. I can't pass up the opportunity to get to know his family. He has his reasons to keep things quiet with them and its his decision to tell them when he wants to tell them. It's not the ideal situation, but it's one I can live with.

Aside to Dawnstar, Pele is Brynja, Kapo is Bella. :)

[Name Lips]

Am I the only one who is also a little offended by the situation Hatter is being invited into?

1. Oh hai! I haven't told my family- so act cool.

That is a bit rude. They are together. A couple- that shit wouldn't fly if it were a boyfriend girlfriend couple would it? I highly doubt it - I know that this is a controversial issue for some folks in the world but *shrugs*


2. Oh hai! Meet my good buddy Hatter!

Lie! I am uncomfortable he invited you to be party to a lie...well not a lie, you guys are friends too but an intentional mislead of his family. But if that is not the case is it


3. Oh hai! Can you do my dirty work for me and out me to my family?

I am not seeing any positives here- if you meet the fam and they meet you it should be as the relationship truly is not as he wans to sneak around as.

you are awesome and honestly there may be more and i am oversimplifying but...he needs to sack up and talk to them first so you dont have to play the painfully obvious good buddy role. Its painfully obvious because i have been meeting good friends now from my uncle for years.


In short I wouldnt go.
Ditto.

You're being asked to pretend your relationship is different than it really is. That's dishonest. But you know, they have to be wondering why he hasn't met a nice girl... Parents aren't stupid.

A couple of my friends had a similar issue, where her mom swore that she'd be hurt and upset if she ever got another boyfriend. I'm not sure why, she has family issues. So she felt guilty and worried when they stated dating and hid it from her parents for years, even though he's a great guy. He'd be there when her parents were in town and would be introduced as "a friend."

It's gotta be wearing on the soul after a while, keeping up such deceptions. If you're a part of his life, it's going to be awfully suspicious after a while that you're always around and seem deeply involved in his life.

I guess he probably has "family issues" too, and while the dishonesty rubs me the wrong way, he needs to be able to come out to them in his own way and in his own time. Pretending to "just be friends" will wear on you both if your relationship continues for a long time, until it inevitably comes to a head and has to be dealt with head-on.

Can you deal with the complexity and weight of playing "friend" for an unknown length of times before that happens? Even if it's only when his parents are around, it's another dynamic that adds complexity and stress to the relationship, and its really up to you if you can cope with that.

[Dawnstar]

I think that's Brynja. Bella is Kapo.

You are correct. It is taking some getting used to. Thanks.

[Random Encounter]

I think you'll be fine. It's not like either of you are big into public displays of affection anyway. Just stay away from the booze this time.

[Hatter]

I think you'll be fine. It's not like either of you are big into public displays of affection anyway. Just stay away from the booze this time.

Yes, it will be nice to not have to worry about vomiting on his father this time.

[Brynja]

Well have fun tonight, I am glad I could offer some food for thought. As long as you are comfortable with it, then that is all that matters.

[Hatter]

Well have fun tonight, I am glad I could offer some food for thought. As long as you are comfortable with it, then that is all that matters.

Honest advice is the best kind. I really do appreciate it. In retrospect, I think he was offering the invite as a way to get to know his family, but was uncomfortable asking me to cover for him, thus the reassurances that he's fine with it either way.

[Droid101]

Wait, Hatter is gay? Where have I been?

[Brynja]

The closet.

[Kastil]

The closet trying on eyeliner.FIFM

[Lady Fury]

My brother in law hasn't come out of the closet when it comes to his dad. My mother in law divorced his dad nearly 2 decades ago. He's very closed minded and my brother in law fears if he told him that something bad might happen. He still takes his boyfriend to visit his dad but no one lets on that he's more then just a best friend. I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. He probably has huge fears and that's why he isn't coming out to his family yet. I think having you included for family events is a really good idea because the family gets to know you as a person and not by your sexuality.

Have fun tonight. I hope that your boyfriend can enjoy the evening as well without feeling uncomfortable.

[AriesOmega]

Wait, Hatter is gay? Where have I been?


Don't feel bad. I don't know most people's gender, alt names or any other info either on KT or other places I am on either. Heck first time I found out a certain member on a board I post on was female was when she said "her boobs hurt":D

[Lady Fury]

Droid was having a Dr.Midnight moment. He's been around long enough to be able to spot the clues.

[The Winslow]

Wait, Droid is Dr. Midnight?

[Lady Fury]

Wait, Droid is Dr. Midnight?

Please try to keep up Gez.

[Cat of Ulthar]

Wait, the Winslow is Gez? :shock:

[Lady Fury]

Oh boy this is going to be fun.:D Do I need to print out my cheat sheet again?

[Droid101]

Wait, the Winslow is Gez? :shock:

Wha? Seriously, I did not know this.

Don't feel bad. I don't know most people's gender, alt names or any other info either on KT or other places I am on either. Heck first time I found out a certain member on a board I post on was female was when she said "her boobs hurt":D

I don't even know who you are!

[shiningbrow]

My head hurts. Hatter, do what makes you feel comfortable. I suspect they are either aware of his sexuality or have their heads in the sand. If it's the latter, they won't want to think you are gay either, so it's probably not a problem in either case.

I am confused by the recent shift in identities, too. Although I figure I'll get it from context. Since I'm visually oriented anyway, I just keep pictures in mind: flaming anus vs flying vagina. I'm screwed if avatars change again too soon, though!

[Lady Fury]

I don't even know who you are!

He's a n00b.

[Droid101]

He's a n00b.

It's a he!?

[Lady Fury]

Well this is unexpectedly fun.

[The Winslow]

Wait, the Winslow is Gez? :shock:

Wait, I am?

[Dacke]

I am Spartacus!

[Lady Fury]

Like I said this is so much fun.


~ being a little stinker today Spikey. :tongue:

[The Winslow]

Wait, SpikeyFreak is Lady Fury?

[Random Encounter]

I am confused by the recent shift in identities, too. Although I figure I'll get it from context. Since I'm visually oriented anyway, I just keep pictures in mind: flaming anus vs flying vagina. I'm screwed if avatars change again too soon, though!

I only picked the name Random Encounter for this iteration of Kays, instead of my old ID Carrot, because I wanted to talk about my experiences as a new crossdresser here but I wasn't yet "out" to Hatter who is my little brother.

I hope that is sufficent reason to cause confusion.

[Droid101]

I am Spartacus!Anyone can see that you are too tall.

I only picked the name Random Encounter for this iteration of Kays, instead of my old ID Carrot, because I wanted to talk about my experiences as a new crossdresser here but I wasn't yet "out" to Hatter who is my little brother.

I hope that is sufficent reason to cause confusion.

You're related to Hatter? WTF

[Brynja]

Come around more often Droid...PUT THE EYELINER DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION

[AriesOmega]

Come around more often Droid...PUT THE EYELINER DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION

:popcorn:

I am sure going to. This place is waaaaay cooler then anything else I frequent.

[Droid101]

Come around more often Droid...PUT THE EYELINER DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION

I been here every day for like two weeks! Check your AdminCP.

Doesn't make it any easier to figure out the mix of female militia usernames mixed with space cadet usernames.

[Cat of Ulthar]

I only picked the name Random Encounter for this iteration of Kays, instead of my old ID Carrot, because I wanted to talk about my experiences as a new crossdresser here but I wasn't yet "out" to Hatter who is my little brother.

I hope that is sufficent reason to cause confusion.

I thought you were Rob Anybody? :confused:

[Harry]

Wait, Hatter is gay? Where have I been?

The closet.

Well poo.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Pele again.

[Lady_Acoma]

Why do I know these things? Something is amiss. :what:

[Harry]

Why do I know these things? Something is amiss. :what:

Gaydar?

[Lady_Acoma]

I couldn't even tell I was gay for the longest time!!! I just thought everybody liked girls and you got used to guys in some sort of sickening way when you relented and married one.

[Lady Fury]

I couldn't even tell I was gay for the longest time!!! I just thought everybody liked girls and you got used to guys in some sort of sickening way when you relented and married one.


:lmao:

[AriesOmega]

I couldn't even tell I was gay for the longest time!!! I just thought everybody liked girls and you got used to guys in some sort of sickening way when you relented and married one.

Very interesting. Insightful.

[Hatter]

So the show was a lot of fun and the family was very nice. No slip-ups or anything. I had a good long conversation with his father about dogs. A good time was had.

What's the show?

A comedy group called Radio Music Theater which does stage productions in the style of old radio comedies.

[Dawnstar]

Glad to hear that the evening went well. :)

[Ancalagon]

I'm glad it went well :)


As a side note, the nick-shifting is usually annoying... in the good old days, my 'board awareness" was very high so I could easily keep track, but not anymore.

[The Winslow]

Wait, Ancalagon is Ancalagon?

[Xavier Lang]

Good to hear that all went well.

[Harry]

...I had a good long conversation with his father about dogs. A good time was had.

I read that three times as "I had a good long conversation with his father about drugs. A good time was had..."

Glad it went well!

[Kyle Voltti]

Wait, Ancalagon is Ancalagon?see this here is why I say we need a guidebook to keep all this shit straight

[Random Encounter]

I thought you were Rob Anybody? :confused:

I was him too for a while. I think that's the ID I was using on CM when I still posted there maybe. I've also in the past for brief periods been Ghost of Elvis, Snakeeyes and Bronco-Fan (when the board went football themed for a few days).

[Droid101]

I couldn't even tell I was gay for the longest time!!! I just thought everybody liked girls and you got used to guys in some sort of sickening way when you relented and married one.

Best thing ever. Women, take heed.

[Cat of Ulthar]

I was him too for a while. I think that's the ID I was using on CM when I still posted there maybe. I've also in the past for brief periods been Ghost of Elvis, Snakeeyes and Bronco-Fan (when the board went football themed for a few days).

I think you used him on NTL too, didn't you? I don't really go to CM but that's what I remember you as. On Bullitt's NTL perhaps?

[Dr_Avalanche]

NTL went Pumpkinland theme for a while, people adopted supernatural or horror themed alter egos. I think Rob Anybody was from that time?

[Harry]

I was him too for a while. I think that's the ID I was using on CM when I still posted there maybe. I've also in the past for brief periods been Ghost of Elvis, Snakeeyes and Bronco-Fan (when the board went football themed for a few days).

I only knew you as Rob Anybody for the longest. I still think of Random Encounter as your alt.

[Brynja]

I think of all of those as alt's to Carrot :)

[Merganser]

I assume you're all just a random assortment of mescaline-swigging hobos sharing screen-names. I never know with any given post if "Ancalagon" is Steamtrain Maury or Connecticut Slim or maybe even Hood River Blackie.

[Harry]

I assume you're all just a random assortment of mescaline-swigging hobos sharing screen-names. I never know with any given post if "Ancalagon" is Steamtrain Maury or Connecticut Slim or maybe even Hood River Blackie.

Algolei! Merganser was you all along!

[Lady_Acoma]

I miss Algolei... :(

[Droid101]

Hood River Blackie.

:what: How did you find me out!

[Random Encounter]

I think of all of those as alt's to Carrot :)

Me too.

But I did use Rob Anybody for a long time, and far more recently than Carrot. And yes I think I was Rob Anybody on the last NTL board.

But as far as Discworld characters go I have far more in common with Carrot than Rob. I'm tall, broadshouldered, reddish hair (at least when I was younger), terrible with punctuation and spelling, excedingly honest and overall a nice guy who gets along with everyone. I'm not, however, the last heir to the throne, able to beat up trolls barehanded or dating a werewolf.

[Dr_Avalanche]

I'm not, however, the last heir to the throne....

Well, Carrot didn't know he was either.