One Beaut of a Dilemma

[Ink Bleeder]

As some of you know, I started a new job in February that I really love. Interesting and fulfilling work, great boss, stability, etc - it's like a dream considering my last job, and even the drawbacks (moved into a shitty building, upper management sucks) aren't that bad.

My boss is a real kick. She's affectionate, extremely supportive, and doesn't have an unkind bone in her body. She also lacks boundaries and shares TMI, and I wouldn't be surprised if she had a personality disorder, but she's the "nice" kind of crazy. Anyway, that's how I knew that her live-in boyfriend was a huge alcoholic who was likely cheating on her. When she called Thursday morning in tears and said he'd never come home and she was moving out, I just rolled my eyes and hoped for the best. But a couple of hours later she learned that he'd actually been in a horrible motorcycle accident the night before (drunk, no helmet) and was in the hospital, brain dead. She is incoherent with grief.

Well, that's what happens to alcoholics. Still, I felt terrible for her and worried about her. I dashed off to the hospital with another coworker, and assured her that she could call on me for anything. She's an emotional person, and was completely out of her mind with crying and shock. It was horrible.

Her first request was that I write his obituary, which I was happy to do. Then Monday night she asked if me and a couple of other coworkers (we're all in a community chorus) would sing a hymn with her during the funeral (which is today at 1 PM). I gulped, but agreed, and spent a large portion of yesterday rehearsing the creepiest hymn I've ever heard until we sounded pretty darn good. Then my boss called last night to say she was having a fight with the dead man's mother, and the mother had nixed the hymn and the eulogy, wanted everything of value in the house as payback for his debts (she owns the house they lived in), drama drama drama. OK - I'm more relieved than anything, and still planning to attend the funeral, of course, with everyone else at work. (Sucks that it's on a holiday, but what do you do? :rolleyes:) I still half expect that the plans will change again at the last minute and the hymn will be back on.

So I get up this morning, and see if I have any messages from her, and I do. It reads as follows.

"Hey there sexy man. Hope all is well with you. My living arrangements have changed since Thursday. Give me a call. Kitty [not her real name]"

:what::boggle::boggle::boggle:

So. . . do I tell her she sent me this message by mistake?
If I don't, she'll think "sexy man" is blowing her off.
If I DO. . .she'll know that I know. . .:shock:

Help!

[Name Lips]

Make a date and confide in her that you're not really a man.

[Brynja]

Gently tell her you aren't the sexy man.

I agree on personality disorder.

[Harry]

You have got to tell her. She'll figure out soon enough that she sent it awry, then she'll wonder why you didn't say anything. If you try to claim that you missed it or never read it she'll know it's a lie and a trust will be broken. Tell her. She'll be embarrassed for a bit but will quickly forget it. If you lie, she'll never forget it.

[Cat of Ulthar]

I agree with Harry. If she talks to this guy, she will find out that he never got the text and if she checks where it went, she will see you got it, so you better talk to her about it.

Is it possible someone else used her phone, daughter/sister? This does sound terrible coming from a person who is supposedly incoherent with grief, and if it is truly her, would indicate horrible dependance problems (one boyfriend died, quickly try to find another).

Also, is it just me, or do you sound rather course in your description of the whole thing? :grey: First you say she is a great woman, but then you describe how her boyfriend died in very harsh terms (he may have been an alcoholic, but alcoholics are people too). You say you told her to tell you anything she needed, but then when she does ask your help you sound like it is all an unreasonable chore, including attending the funeral.
This is not the Inky I know. Is there more to this? Why are you so irritated?

[Lady Fury]

That's one heck of a dilemma. I'd give her a few days before you say anything to her. With any luck she'll either A.) admit the wrong doing or B.) Not remember it at all. My guess is that she's in deep grief and her disorder is protecting her from that. Growing up with someone with a personality disorder, I know first hand that said person doesn't always know what the other personalities are up to. You may want to suggest that she see a professional for the grief and let it go from there. You are a wonderful and kind woman but this is way over the employee/employer relationship boundary.

[Dawnstar]

All I have to say is Cat is wise.

and i completely agree you need to tell her that you got the text.

[Droid101]

She sounds like a loony nutcase, so I say don't tell her. Sometimes texts just go to the wrong person, even if it looks like (on my end) that it went to the right one. It happens, and she might never know.

Chances are she called him or he called her and they have connected, anyway. Don't stir up shit.

[shiningbrow]

I once got a rather personal (not sexual) e-mail from one of my students obviously intended for one of her friends, in which intimate financial problems were discussed. I sent a return e-mail to the sender with the contents stating that this appeared to have been sent to the wrong address. That way the person knew the intended recipient hadn't received it and got a discreet wake up call that they had been careless in revealing private details to a stranger. I don't know if you want to go that route, but you might want to be sure that this wasn't intended for you. If it was, you need to establish boundaries quickly, lest she think that she can push her friendship with you any farther than you want it to go. She sounds like a mess right now, and one that would probably be better dealing with a therapist than pawning off these problems on co-workers, or worse still, subordinates. Her behavior is anything but professional and I fear that this whole business has the potential for going awry if not handled properly. You have good reason to be apprehensive.

[Ink Bleeder]

Thanks, guys. It helps to get some outside perspective on this.


Also, is it just me, or do you sound rather course in your description of the whole thing? :grey: First you say she is a great woman, but then you describe how her boyfriend died in very harsh terms (he may have been an alcoholic, but alcoholics are people too). You say you told her to tell you anything she needed, but then when she does ask your help you sound like it is all an unreasonable chore, including attending the funeral.
This is not the Inky I know. Is there more to this? Why are you so irritated?

Interesting response, Cat. I don't feel as irritated as I apparently came across; you may be hearing the residue of my own shock after seeing this message (i.e., if I'd written a thread about some aspect of this last night, my feelings would have been very different). However, I do have baggage about alcoholics and addicts, and I'm sure that's coloring my response. I had a severely alcoholic/addicted lover for many years, and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Since then, it's hard to see someone struggling with the same kind of relationship - I overidentify with their pain and confusion, get annoyed at the denial involved, and I have a hefty dose of anger towards the alcoholic/addict, because while I do think they have a disease, they just lay waste to the people who love them. It's hard to watch.

As for the favors; I really didn't regard them with irritation. Like I said, the obit was a breeze for me. My feelings about the hymn were shock (so little time to prepare!) and fear (singing in public without having my voice buried in a crowd - scary!). But yes, I did find the hymn itself a trial. Amazing Grace, Rock of Ages, etc. - no sweat. I still have hymnals from two churches I belonged to because I loved the music so much. The one we were to sing today, however, is an LDS hymn that is surprisingly gory. One of my coworkers refused to sing anything but the chorus. And actually, that irritated me a great deal, because it meant my voice would stand out even more, and because I certainly wasn't going to balk at singing at a funeral no matter how challenging it would be for me since (a) it isn't about me, it's about supporting my boss; (b) who would judge how terribly I sang at a funeral, for heaven's sake? It's not Carnagie Hall; and (c) why cause a stink about singing a particular song at a funeral if it isn't, say, about bashing gays and lynching darkies?

Anyway, my bad. Thank you for the reality check.

[Ink Bleeder]

My guess is that she's in deep grief and her disorder is protecting her from that. Growing up with someone with a personality disorder, I know first hand that said person doesn't always know what the other personalities are up to. You may want to suggest that she see a professional for the grief and let it go from there.

That's a powerful insight, Lady F. I agree with the poster above who said that it's sad if she feels she has to immediately find another boyfriend, and all of these things can be way of (not) coping with grief. But you've reminded me that there was another occasion when she seemed to lose track of reality. I care for her, but I don't want to get enmeshed, and I have a lot to lose, since she's my supervisor. I'll talk to her about finding a counselor.

[Cat of Ulthar]

I don't know if you want to go that route, but you might want to be sure that this wasn't intended for you. If it was, you need to establish boundaries quickly, lest she think that she can push her friendship with you any farther than you want it to go..
Pssst... While Ink Bleeder is undeniably sexy, she is not a man.;)
Interesting response, Cat. I don't feel as irritated as I apparently came across; you may be hearing the residue of my own shock after seeing this message (i.e., if I'd written a thread about some aspect of this last night, my feelings would have been very different).Thank you for explaining. The problem with reading messages is that you have no body language or voice tone to illustrate the intention, so you may understand things entirely different than they are intended.
However, I do have baggage about alcoholics and addicts, and I'm sure that's coloring my response. I had a severely alcoholic/addicted lover for many years, and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Since then, it's hard to see someone struggling with the same kind of relationship - I overidentify with their pain and confusion, get annoyed at the denial involved, and I have a hefty dose of anger towards the alcoholic/addict, because while I do think they have a disease, they just lay waste to the people who love them. It's hard to watch.
I understand, thanks for explaining that.

My feelings about the hymn were shock (so little time to prepare!) and fear (singing in public without having my voice buried in a crowd - scary!). Ah. I misunderstood the "gulp". I thought you gulped because you thought it was too much to ask, not because it made you nervous. My bad.

Good luck with this, it is a nasty situation.

[Ink Bleeder]

Just got back from the funeral. Thankfully, my boss made up with her erstwhile MIL, so she doesn't have that drama to deal with. Gods, it was strange to see her crying her way through the eulogy, though, while that message was still racing through my head. I'd thought to take her aside at some point and. . .somehow. . .gently mention the message that had gone astray, but once I was there it seemed like the worst time possible. Besides, she was surrounded by people. I hugged her before I left and she dissolved on my shoulder and said she'd probably be calling me a lot in the future. I grabbed that like a drowning man and urged her to yes, please call, call me tonight if you can.

I'd love to just hit the reply button and write a quick message to the effect that this must have gone to the wrong person, but I'm afraid she'll panic at the thought of my reaction and possibly lash out at me somehow. I mean, who knows what she'll do? Performance evaluations are coming up. She's erratic at the best of times. Yeesh. I'm not even entirely sure she'll come back to work anytime soon, though the company only gives 3 days of bereavement, which I find criminal.

[shiningbrow]

Pssst... While Ink Bleeder is undeniably sexy, she is not a man.;)


Whoops! I guess I was tired when I wrote that! Sorry Ink Bleeder! :o

[Droid101]

I don't think I like it when girls use the word "beaut." It seems like a term that should be saved for 60 year old men who are talking about fishing or agriculture or some such.

[Ink Bleeder]

I don't think I like it when girls use the word "beaut." It seems like a term that should be saved for 60 year old men who are talking about fishing or agriculture or some such.

Good thing I'm a woman, then, and not a girl.










:tongue:

[Ink Bleeder]

The latest:

Let's see. On Monday morning my boss picked up some work to take home, and when she saw me, she hugged me and apologized for sending me the message. She said something like she was mad at the person she was writing to and sent it to me deliberately so that she wouldn't send it to him. Ooohkay. That actually makes me wonder if she thought a different message was sent to me. Anyway, I'm just glad that's over.

[Cat of Ulthar]

The latest:

Let's see. On Monday morning my boss picked up some work to take home, and when she saw me, she hugged me and apologized for sending me the message. She said something like she was mad at the person she was writing to and sent it to me deliberately so that she wouldn't send it to him. Ooohkay. That actually makes me wonder if she thought a different message was sent to me. Anyway, I'm just glad that's over.

Weird.

You do realise this is not acceptable, don't you? :tongue: Now you have me interested, I want you to get to the bottom of it! Reveal the entire scandal!