Love is a Fickle Thing

[dmmagic]

(Is this the best forum for relationship stuff?)

My feelings for people I'm involved with act weird. For example: A little over two months ago, I met a girl named Cory. She's beautiful, intelligent, independent, and enjoys a good time out as well as a quiet night in. We've been happily dating this whole time, with a few short breaks where we wouldn't see each other for a week or so (keeps me from getting bored). Nevertheless, because I'm not interested in a relationship, I've been dating other women at the same time. (Wheather she has also or not, I haven't asked.)

Despite that fact that she's a great gal, as I meet other women and have great times with them, my interest in Cory dwindles. In fact, recently I've wondered if maybe I should just cut her loose for good. It was a great time, but we're not going to get married. You go your way, I'll go mine. But then a few days pass, I end up seeing her, and I think more about how much fun we have rather than the fact that I'm in my late 20's and still need to sew my wild oats.

Well, the last week or so haven't been so great for us. She's friends with a girl that doesn't like me (a close friend's girlfriend, of all people). They had lunch this Saturday. I can't help but think that something might have been said, because I got home tonight to find that she'd "unfriended me" on MySpace.

I know, I know... wha wha wha. It's not about MySpace at all. It's just interested in note that, suddenly faced with the possibility that she might have cut ties first, it hurts my feelings and makes me want to see her.

I'm sure in the end it will have been nothing; I mean, who de-friends someone on MySpace as a way of breaking up with them (other than Keeper of Secrets)?

[Harry]

If I could get my stalker, ahem, secret admirer, out of my hair via Myspace, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

An actual friend or girlfriend? Nope.

:umbrella:

[Black Angel]

Her actions seem pretty childish to me. If you don't want to see someone, just tell them in person. So if she is going to be that way, as you say, in the end it probably wasn't going to amount to anything anyway, and do you really want to be with someone you can't actually discuss your thoughts with? Better off without her I say.

[obryn]

Have you or haven't you pissed on her yet?

-O

[Pigs in Space]

Chicks are wierd.

[Pigs in Space]

Oh, and post pix.

[Limper]

I read that as you dropped the ball and now have regrets about something that you don't know for sure is happening.

You should ask Glass for some pointers on picking women, dating and breaking up.

[dmmagic]

Have you or haven't you pissed on her yet?

I knew that was coming!

:D

[obryn]

I knew that was coming!

:D
Well, I'm nothing if not predictable!

-O

[Brynja]

Grow up.


You were gonna dump her and "do her a favor" she saw you weren't all that (for her) and cut you loose.

You are just pissed she beat you to it.

[doc]

Find a hot chick and take her to where you know Cory will be, make out big time

[Brynja]

Doc you are so mature.

[doc]

:D Thanks, just call me Doctor Phil !!

[shabois]

Grow up.


You were gonna dump her and "do her a favor" she saw you weren't all that (for her) and cut you loose.

You are just pissed she beat you to it.

I agree that I think you are having the natural reaction all guys have of the bruised ego. If you had cut her loose you would not have given it a second thought. But the fact that this other girl that does not like you bad mouthed you, which may have led to the girl your interested in pre-empting you, is what is really eating you up. She beat you to it! It is the fact that you lost control or "hand" in the relationship that is bothering you. If you really thought she was "the one" or you wanted to be serious with her you would have told her or stopped seeing other women.

I am not judging, I understand completely! For most of my 20's I kept my options open and even dated women of dubious character because they were easy, fun, and I knew there was no future.

That being said, I have stated before that I think MySpace is the devils work and as a guy I would not go out like that! Call her once or twice try go out with her one more time and really see how you feel about her. If she blows you off or won't see you let it go, you were really not that in to her it is the feelings her dumping you that is bother you.

On the otherhand, go ask you dude if his girl is cock blocking you. You don't need to confront the girlfriend, but you do need to know so that you can prepare yourself in the future. If you continue to run in the same circle of friends and down the road you find a girl you are serious about, the last thing you need is for your buddy's girlfriend to meet her and start badmouthing you.

[dmmagic]

Truth.

Thank you for stating in a mature and concise manner what Brynja was attempting to say with a mouth full of cock.

:)

I was able to piece together what happened. I'll post the conversation after I eat some fewd.

[SHARK]

(Is this the best forum for relationship stuff?)

My feelings for people I'm involved with act weird. For example: A little over two months ago, I met a girl named Cory. She's beautiful, intelligent, independent, and enjoys a good time out as well as a quiet night in. We've been happily dating this whole time, with a few short breaks where we wouldn't see each other for a week or so (keeps me from getting bored). Nevertheless, because I'm not interested in a relationship, I've been dating other women at the same time. (Wheather she has also or not, I haven't asked.)

Despite that fact that she's a great gal, as I meet other women and have great times with them, my interest in Cory dwindles. In fact, recently I've wondered if maybe I should just cut her loose for good. It was a great time, but we're not going to get married. You go your way, I'll go mine. But then a few days pass, I end up seeing her, and I think more about how much fun we have rather than the fact that I'm in my late 20's and still need to sew my wild oats.

Well, the last week or so haven't been so great for us. She's friends with a girl that doesn't like me (a close friend's girlfriend, of all people). They had lunch this Saturday. I can't help but think that something might have been said, because I got home tonight to find that she'd "unfriended me" on MySpace.

I know, I know... wha wha wha. It's not about MySpace at all. It's just interested in note that, suddenly faced with the possibility that she might have cut ties first, it hurts my feelings and makes me want to see her.

I'm sure in the end it will have been nothing; I mean, who de-friends someone on MySpace as a way of breaking up with them (other than Keeper of Secrets)?



Greetings!

Dmmagic, since you asked--I'll offer some observations to you that perhaps you will find some wisdom and insight in. I just want to help.:)

First off--don't even *blink*. Move the fuck on, brother! For the sake of argument and instruction, lets just say that you don't date ugly girls, or crazy, fucked-in-the-head women, or drug addicts. Just normal, reasonably attractive, reasonably intelligent women.

Ok, with whatever number you want to deal with--10, 20, 30, 50 or a 100--of these women that you could reasonably date, guess what?

While they are all reasonably attractive, reasonably intelligent, some may have very good jobs, and some might be just *sizzling* in bed--you are not, in the end, going to be a good fit for most of them. It has only a little to do with externals, and a whole lot to do with just little personality differences. Accept that 90% of the sexy, intelligent, cool women that you may date--or even fuck--will not last beyond a week, or a few weeks, and so on, either because they are just "not feeling it" with you--or you're "not feeling it" with them. This is normal, and really--the reality of things. Sometimes, they will drop you for trivial reasons, or more significant reasons--and you the same. Ultimately, you need to armour yourself and EXPECT THIS AS THE NORMAL REALITY--as opposed to, like many people--going into every relationship or encounter with some driving hope that *this* person is going to be the "queen."

In fact, expect them to move on. There will be times--as you even alluded to--that YOU will drop them, and move on. This is normal. Not just NORMAL--but ok, right, and GOOD.

Why you may ask? Because, ultimately, you want to find a partner that "gets you"--that accepts you, intrigues you, inspires you, and loves you for who you are--and you do the same for them. So, you may get lucky and meet such a person--there are more than one--rather quickly. Or, you may have to go through a dozen; or two dozen; or fifty. It varies, but accept it as part of the process. Part of the "HUNT"--but not merely a goal in itself, but also potentially fun, and pleasurable, too. Along the way, you may make a few friends. That's always cool, but not a necessity.

Start developing a "pool" of women for dating purposes. Younger, older, white, Asian, Hispanic, black, rich, poor, modest or very professional. Reason?--you expose yourself to different kinds of women, and have fun along the way. Develop several different women at a time, so that you have this "pool" you can draw from at a moment's notice. I cannot tell you how liberating and empowering it is to have such power; such freedom; such *options*. It makes kicking the bitches to the curb much easier, and *snap* much faster. However, it also makes the vast number of women that just aren't "feeling it" much easier to deal with as well, for you and for them. They may not like it--but that's too bad. It gives you more power and control and freedom in the dating experience. If one starts complaining about X, or seems distracted and more interested in dating *her other men*--that's GREAT! You easily slide her into the "maybe" or "potential" pool, and dial up one of your other women to go on a date with, and focus on developing a relationship with two or three or four other women. The one that is dragging her feet? Heh. You move on and have zero worries.

Women in adolescence learn early on that men are desperate for the pussy. This empowers them, and allows them to string you along, and play all kinds of games. Don't play that game. Take that power away from them, and make them *WORK* to please you, and show YOU how much THEY want you in their life. Too many men play the helpless desperate card calling all the time, whining, and worrying about pleasing the dumb bitch that strings them along, or plays other games with them. (By the way--I'm not saying you're doing this) Now, also--like I have mentioned earlier, not all women are bitches, or playing games--they just aren't "feeling it"--and that's ok. However, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter really THEIR motivations, reasons, or excuses. At the end of the day, you are left with your dick in your hand.

And that, my friend, needs to change.:D

Part of that process is starting to really appreciate yourself, and having respect for yourself. Divorce yourself from being lonely and desperate, and fawning to please the women, and do everything they want. Fuck that. Build your pool up, and feel how your confidence soars! Then, you also have lots and lots of women to fuck. That's always a good thing. Next, it allows you a "DM-view" if you will, of the whole dating scene, from above, if that makes sense. It gives you more control, more options, and greater confidence. This also translates into you allocating your time, money, resources, and emotions INTO WOMEN THAT REALLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Those women, when you find them, are the ones that you devote more energy to. The confidence, and the dignity you gain by not playing the typical games that many women play--also increases your attractiveness to the women that YOU DO WANT A REAL RELATIONSHIP with. They can also recognize a man that is mature and serious, and dignified, and not into playing games. That, at the end of the day, makes dating far more enjoyable, and far more interesting. These attitudes and skills will allow you to quickly recognize and mow through all the women--for whatever reason--are not the right fit for you. Remember--you are a cool guy, and they need to prove to YOU that they are worth YOUR effort and attention. Women are everywhere. Start meeting them, and develop your pool of date girls, and have fun!

Don't worry about each and every one that hesitates, or seems distracted, or isn't giving you the attention or seriousness that you want. Move on, brother! There was one girl that chewed the fat, and was all whiny with me, drama, drama, drama, and why she thought she and I wouldn't work out, blah, blah, blah. NEXT.

I had a new date that night, and two more women to date later on in the week. I didn't skip a heartbeat. There were several reasons I knew we weren't compatible. No worries. I moved on quickly after six weeks of dating this woman. You should do the same, my friend.:)

I hope this has been of some help, and encouragement.

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

[dmmagic]

Damn, quite the motivational speaker you are! One of the things that you said that really hits home is "someone who gets me." I date a lot... and I mean a lot. I typically meet a new woman each week I go out, and most of them don't last much longer than one or two dates (or times in the sack). What I'm really searching for is someone who "gets me" (like Becky gets Dante in Clerks II... the lucky bastard).

It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship with a woman where I didn't feel odd saying, "Naw, can't get together this Saturday. The guys are going to track the Intendant to his underground lair, leading to a possible big bad evil guy battle royal! I've got a special trap planned and can't wait for the chain devils to drop from the ceiling!"

:D

[Pigs in Space]

Whoa nigga, I a'int readin' all that shit.

What SHARK means to say is he knows a guy who knows a guy.


Actually he means he is that guy.


Actually, he means he can make her into a corpse for a fiver.


Actually, he means he can make her into a corpse and sodomize it for free.

[shabois]

Thank you for stating in a mature and concise manner what Brynja was attempting to say with a mouth full of cock.

:)

I was able to piece together what happened. I'll post the conversation after I eat some fewd.

Your Welcome! :) Besides there is no problem with a mouth of cock, as long as its not your mouth!

SHARK you mobster- dropping the WORD!:cool: Your the man!

[SHARK]

Damn, quite the motivational speaker you are! One of the things that you said that really hits home is "someone who gets me." I date a lot... and I mean a lot. I typically meet a new woman each week I go out, and most of them don't last much longer than one or two dates (or times in the sack). What I'm really searching for is someone who "gets me" (like Becky gets Dante in Clerks II... the lucky bastard).

It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship with a woman where I didn't feel odd saying, "Naw, can't get together this Saturday. The guys are going to track the Intendant to his underground lair, leading to a possible big bad evil guy battle royal! I've got a special trap planned and can't wait for the chain devils to drop from the ceiling!"

:D

Greetings!

Thank you dmmagic! It's good to hear you are doing well! It's important if you want to find a woman that "gets you"--for you to be utterly ruthless. I mean, you have to sharpen your skills at:

(1) Asking the right kind of questions of women

(2) Learning to read the answers accurately

(3) Develop the ability to be ruthlessly honest with YOURSELF as to what you want, what you need, and what you can offer a good woman.

(4) Develop the skills to be able to mow through the hordes of unsuitable, inappropriate, fucked-in-the head, or just women that don't "get you" quickly, like in hours or days. Weeks at the most. It sounds like your doing ok in this department, but encouragement always helps!

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

[SHARK]

What SHARK means to say is he knows a guy who knows a guy.


Actually he means he is that guy.


Actually, he means he can make her into a corpse for a fiver.


Actually, he means he can make her into a corpse and sodomize it for free.

Greetings!

*laughs* Yeah, I'm the guy alright!

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

[SHARK]

Your Welcome! :) Besides there is no problem with a mouth of cock, as long as its not your mouth!

SHARK you mobster- dropping the WORD!:cool: Your the man!

Greetings!

Thank you, Shabois! That's right brother! I am the fucking *MAN*!!!!

Ever since my divorce, I have had a whole turn-around in my philosophy. I definitely have a hard-core fucking mobster like attitude towards the broads now. I guess that's what happens when Prince Charming gets betrayed and killed. Ah well...

*SHARK lights up an Arturo Fuente Canone cigar, puffing slowly, watching the cherry glow nicely*

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

[Brynja]

Thank you for stating in a mature and concise manner what Brynja was attempting to say with a mouth full of cock.

:)

I was able to piece together what happened. I'll post the conversation after I eat some fewd.

And this is why you are single you worthless piece of shit.

You knew damn well what I meant.


Get fucked asshole.

[dmmagic]

And this is why you are single you worthless piece of shit.

You knew damn well what I meant.

Get fucked asshole.

Yawn.

[Brynja]

Whatever.

[dmmagic]

As it turns out, she was upset because of something that happened a few Thursdays ago; I was out with some friends at a karaoke bar and she drunkenly texted me, "Can I could join you?" I called and told her that it was kinda a guy's night out. Also, we had just hung out that morning. I assured her that we would get together again that weekend. She then replied, drunkenly, "Well, I'm coming anyway." To which I said, "Heh heh... well.. naw, let's hang out this weekend."

"No," she replied. "I'm coming." I was more than a little upset by the finality in her voice. When she got there, she could tell that I was peeved. I told her we'd talk about it when she was sober. Nevertheless, she wouldn't drop it. I asked her to step outside with me, and explained that it bothered me that my wishes were ignored. Would the tables be turned, I'm sure she's be upset also.

I guess it stewed over the last week or so and suddenly erupted. Instead of talking about it with me, she de-friended me on MySpace. When she finally replied to my voicemail query, it was over text telling me how upset she was at me, though she wouldn't say why. She did, however, say that she would text me. I explained that my text plan doesn't give me infinite texts, so if she wanted to talk, it would have to be over the phone. Back and forth we went, her saying she didn't want to talk on the phone, me saying I didn't want to text. Eventually I called her. She let it go to voicemail, so I left one explained that, perhaps I hadn't made myself clear: I was not going to text anymore. That was that.

Finally she called me and it was dragged out of her that the above was what she was upset about. I explained that the way she handled it didn't bode well for future dating. I ended the conversation by telling her that continuing to see each other probably wasn't the best idea.

So you know what? It was all about hand. Because once I had it, I had little problem telling her to hit the bricks. (Despite the fact that what I said was truth; who wants to get involved with someone who deals with problems like that?)

[Northcott]

So you know what? It was all about hand. Because once I had it, I had little problem telling her to hit the bricks.

That was pretty much clear from post 1, man. The unfortunate thing is that it also means that you're one of the people who's still invested in playing games. So long as you are you'll never be able to avoid games being played in relationships because, at the very least, you'll bring them to the table.

[Freedom Canadian]

This thread confuses me, DMmagic. For one, the title mentions love and then you say you don't want a relationship.

And then you say you want someone who truly understands you. But why the fuck would anyone take the time to truly understand you if there's no long term aspect to this relationship ? Oh wait, it's not a relationship. My bad.

Wait, does she know you're not interested in a relationship ? And that you are dating other girls ? And if so, are you sure she's really fine with it ? Because it doesn't sound like she is.

Anyway, if I had to guess, I'd say she thought this relationship was going somewhere and the current drama is her slowly finding out that you meant it when you said it was just about casual dating and sex.

[Black Angel]

That was pretty much clear from post 1, man. The unfortunate thing is that it also means that you're one of the people who's still invested in playing games. So long as you are you'll never be able to avoid games being played in relationships because, at the very least, you'll bring them to the table.

QFT

Game-playing sucks ass. Don't do it.

[Limper]

QFT

Game-playing sucks ass. Don't do it.

I don't have a problem with folks playing games... whining about it when it doesn't go well however is another matter.

[Bagpuss]

rather than the fact that I'm in my late 20's and still need to sew my wild oats.

If you are in your late twenties stop kidding yourself, now is when you should be looking to settle down, unless you never want kids and wish to die alone.

I got married at 31, then obviously spent a few years with just me and the wife before we had a kid. Luis is now 3, I'm 37, when he's a teenager I'm going to be 47. We are planning a second kid, by the time they are a teenager I'll be 50.

My one wish in life is that I settled down sooner and had our kids sooner.

[Pigs in Space]

With modern science you'll still be alive when your kids are needing hip replacements.

[Northcott]

If you are in your late twenties stop kidding yourself, now is when you should be looking to settle down, unless you never want kids and wish to die alone.

Settle down? I don't think he's ready to stop kidding himself yet, never mind settle down. He's still playing the "I don't want her until I can't have her" game, fer chrissakes.

[Limper]

Settle down? I don't think he's ready to stop kidding himself yet, never mind settle down. He's still playing the "I don't want her until I can't have her" game, fer chrissakes.

Late 20's man-child, not to uncommon anymore.

[Northcott]

Shit, judging by my parents and grandparents and all their stories about people they knew, it never was that uncommon. The difference was that they got married and pretended to settle down.


We should really do a thread about people's grandparents. :) It sounds like we've had some crazy diverse variety in backgrounds.

[Limper]

Shit, judging by my parents and grandparents and all their stories about people they knew, it never was that uncommon. The difference was that they got married and pretended to settle down.


I would agree with that but I think in years gone by the social preasure to settle down and quit being an immature, self serving, yutz was much greater.

Now its pretty much encouraged.

[dmmagic]

...that it also means that you're one of the people who's still invested in playing games. So long as you are you'll never be able to avoid games being played in relationships...

What do you suggest I do to stop that particular "game"? Do you think it's just a confidence issue? One thing to add is that I hate being alone. I get pretty lonely and don't like the thought that I don't have someone to call (of the female persuasion).

?

[dmmagic]

This thread confuses me, DMmagic. For one, the title mentions love and then you say you don't want a relationship.

It's just a thread title, man.

...you say you want someone who truly understands you. But why the fuck would anyone take the time to truly understand you if there's no long term aspect to this relationship?

It's true, I'm not interested in a relationship. However, that doesn't mean that I don't get to know the person I'm dating. Dating does not equal crazy sex, drugs, and booze ad infinitum. Sometimes it equals quiet dinners at home and long conversations.

Wait, does she know you're not interested in a relationship ? And that you are dating other girls ? And if so, are you sure she's really fine with it ? Because it doesn't sound like she is.

She knows, but of course, how can anyone really know if she's fine with it? She says she is, but she could be lying or not really know herself.

Anyway, if I had to guess, I'd say she thought this relationship was going somewhere and the current drama is her slowly finding out that you meant it when you said it was just about casual dating and sex.

Perhaps.

[TiQuinn]

What do you suggest I do to stop that particular "game"? Do you think it's just a confidence issue? One thing to add is that I hate being alone. I get pretty lonely and don't like the thought that I don't have someone to call (of the female persuasion).

?

You get lonely or you just want to get laid when you feel like it?

[Northcott]

What do you suggest I do to stop that particular "game"? Do you think it's just a confidence issue?

The quick and mean answer is: Grow the fuck up.

But that's really not going to help anything. So let's step back and take a more productive look at things... with the caveat that I cuss lots, so don't go taking it personally. ;)

Normally I approach this kind of thing by simply asking a person questions over and over, turning it back upon them until they answer the question for themselves. That really doesn't work worth a damn over the Internet... or if it does, I don't have the fucking patience for it. So let me try the direct approach: Don't be such a selfish ass.

Really, man -- you say you like this girl and seem to want us to think you respect her on some level. Yet when push comes to shove, you're willing to fuck with her head and lead her along for your own gratification. Do you really think you weren't sending mixed messages when you kept pushing to talk the issue out? I'd lay money that, at the very least, because you were suddenly interested due to being 'dumped', you were probably laying out that vibe.

So then you get what you want, and you cut and run. First and most important question: Do you believe that respect-worthy people deserve that kind of treatment?

The automatic temptation for most at this point is to look back at events with different-hued glasses; now suddenly the person dumped wasn't that great to begin with, and her pettiness probably doesn't make her worthy of respect anyway. Blah, blah, blah. If you're not doing this, great. If you are, then fucking stop it right now. It's self-deceiving bullshit, and in the long term it will fuck you worse than being rogered by an elephant. You obviously thought she was of worth as you got all twitchy when it looked like she was walking away on you, rather than the other way around. You recognized her value implicitly, then proceeded to go fishing until you got what you wanted. Lovely.

Maybe you're content to operate that way. Maybe you want to broaden your horizons. Compassion is not a soft and cuddly thing: it does not necessarily make people feel better, or ease their burden. Sometimes the compassionate thing to do is to give somebody a hug -- sometimes it's to smash somebody in the teeth. Compassion does not serve a single individual, but an act of true compassion serves the world. It serves you, the girl you're dumping, the people around you, blah, blah, blah. Ripples in the pond. You get the idea.

So the first thing to do in growing the fuck up is to ask yourself this, and answer it for yourself (no need to do so here) with brutal honesty: how did my actions serve her? How did they serve me? Is there a balance in this? If you fail to serve yourself, you may become a doormat over time. If you serve yourself chiefly, you're treading on the welcome mat that reads "selfish ass".

If the best you can come up with is; "Well, she learned to return phone calls and be more mature in MySpace useage", then you've got a lot more thinking to do.

Everybody is accountable for their own actions, but we, as individuals, are accountable for how we choose to interact with others. We can't determine how they'll take our actions, but we can at least choose to act with integrity, honesty, and compassion.

[Limper]

True. I don't know that it's better the old way, though. I mean, if magic-boy here were to run off and get married tomorrow, we'd be starting a pool on how long it'd last.

Back in our grandparents day it would last no matter how miserable they were and they wouldn't let it show outside the house if they could help it.

[Northcott]

Caught this after I posted:
One thing to add is that I hate being alone. I get pretty lonely and don't like the thought that I don't have someone to call (of the female persuasion).

How is it serving you to use people as place-fillers? How is it serving them? Is it doing you any good in the long run?

Sounds like chocolate to me. Tastes great at the time, and fine in moderate doses, but indulge too often and it starts to become unhealthy.

[Northcott]

Back in our grandparents day it would last no matter how miserable they were and they wouldn't let it show outside the house if they could help it.

Which had some really nasty ramifications as well, along with the periodic abandonment.

[Limper]

Which had some really nasty ramifications as well, along with the periodic abandonment.

True but if you have to choose between that system or teh one we have which do you choose?

Humanity seems incapable to finding a balanced or reasonable way to deal with things so I left that imaginary option out.

[Northcott]

True but if you have to choose between that system or teh one we have which do you choose?

Humanity seems incapable to finding a balanced or reasonable way to deal with things so I left that imaginary option out.

I'll freely admit that I'm a stickler for tradition, and that's got it's downsides as well as perks. Presented as a binary option, it leaves some interesting debate open.

[Limper]

I'll freely admit that I'm a stickler for tradition, and that's got it's downsides as well as perks. Presented as a binary option, it leaves some interesting debate open.

Sounds like a new thread.

[Bagpuss]

With modern science you'll still be alive when your kids are needing hip replacements.

Yeah but with what quality of life and cost.

[Freedom Canadian]

It's true, I'm not interested in a relationship. However, that doesn't mean that I don't get to know the person I'm dating. Dating does not equal crazy sex, drugs, and booze ad infinitum. Sometimes it equals quiet dinners at home and long conversations.

How is that not a relationship ?

Or do you mean you don't want exclusive relationships ?

Or long term relationships ?

I mean, if you don't want exclusive relationships, you could always try to have an open relationship, but if you are just not interested in anything long term, then I'd say it's an attitude I really can't understand. (And I don't think this is as related to your age as you seem to believe.)


Yeah but with what quality of life and cost.

You are talking about raising teenagers and worrying about quality of life ? :D

[EhtoZed]

This thread sucks.

Will you people get back to discussing D&D4 already!?

[Northcott]

This thread sucks.

Will you people get back to discussing D&D4 already!?

Some of us remember a day when you had a thread or three like this, junior. :D

[EhtoZed]

Some of us remember a day when you had a thread or three like this, junior. :D
Never like this, Shirley.

Besides, I learned from my mistakes.

[Northcott]

Never like this, Shirley.

Besides, I learned from my mistakes.

That you did! If you hadn't, just think of what kind of an ugly effect a certain drama queen's manipulative tactics could have had on your board experience.

Believe it or not, that's not a dig. Just a horrible, horrible realization that I thought I'd share the burden of. :expressionless:

[dmmagic]

Do you really think you weren't sending mixed messages when you kept pushing to talk the issue out? I'd lay money that, at the very least, because you were suddenly interested due to being 'dumped', you were probably laying out that vibe.

Additionally, I've found myself to be a glutton for punishment. When I've done something wrong/pissed someone off, I always want to know what it was, the exact details behind it, who they've told, why they didn't talk to me about it sooner, etc, etc. I tell myself it's because I want to become a better person. I hope that to be true.

So then you get what you want, and you cut and run. First and most important question: Do you believe that respect-worthy people deserve that kind of treatment?

Of course not. Upon looking back on it, when she raised the issue of a problem by texting me that she didn't want to talk about it, while simultaneously de-friending me on MySpace, I should have just said, "Okay. It was a pleasure dating you and I hope we both learned a lot about life, love, and relationships."

[dmmagic]

You get lonely or you just want to get laid when you feel like it?

A good question. Both. I enjoy sex as much as the next person, but I also enjoy companionship.

[dmmagic]

How is it serving you to use people as place-fillers? How is it serving them? Is it doing you any good in the long run?

It is fallacious to assume that I date people simply to make them a place-holder for my next relationship. I date because I'm not interested in a monogamous/long-term relationship. That doesn't mean the current person I'm dating is simply a pit stop on my way to getting laid. If that were the case, I wouldn't even be dating them in the first place.

[dmmagic]

How is that not a relationship ?

Or do you mean you don't want exclusive relationships ?

Or long term relationships ?

Do people just not date anymore? Is it that old-fashioned? I think it's pretty clean from my posts what I mean by relationship/dating. If not, I apologize and am willing to expound.

:)

[Freedom Canadian]

Of course people date, but I think it's usually in order to find someone for a long term relationship, no ?

I'm not saying you are wrong, but your mindset is completely alien to me. :)

[Janos]

Do people just not date anymore? Is it that old-fashioned?

More like that modern a concept. People dated to find someone to marry up until very recently. Your idea of dating 'just because' would give a heart attack to anyone before the sexual revolution/Hippy era.

[shabois]

DM,

There are a lot of judgmental old fashioned motherfuckers dropping their shit on you! :D In fairness you did start this thread so thats what you get. ;) Like I said originally, I understand your mentality and where you are coming from. I think it is fine to date a lot of people. It allows you to find out what qualities you want in a women and gives you experience in dealing with women and dating. There are too many dudes out there who don't have the balls to date women and then when the sun finally shines on their ass they can't handle being in a relationship once they accidentally stumble into one.

It sounds like this chick is a bad drunk, but I only have this one experience to go from. The whole I don't want to talk just text is pretty annoying and immature so combined with the drunk drama and MySpace(FUCK!), I am guessing she is younger than you close too 21? If so you are better off just moving on.

I also dated/went drinking with chicks younger than me. Like I said young chicks are great for what they are; fun, easy wild, and uncomplicated.

If you want to just go and party keep dating in that range. If you do decide that you want more or if you want to find out if you want moreby exploring the possibility, I would suggest dating women closer to your age or older but at least 25. Once we are all 25 we start to grow up a little and form who we are for the rest of our lives.

Good luck buddy! :cool:

[TiQuinn]

Despite that fact that she's a great gal, as I meet other women and have great times with them, my interest in Cory dwindles. In fact, recently I've wondered if maybe I should just cut her loose for good. It was a great time, but we're not going to get married. You go your way, I'll go mine. But then a few days pass, I end up seeing her, and I think more about how much fun we have rather than the fact that I'm in my late 20's and still need to sew my wild oats.

......

It's just interested in note that, suddenly faced with the possibility that she might have cut ties first, it hurts my feelings and makes me want to see her.



A good question. Both. I enjoy sex as much as the next person, but I also enjoy companionship.

You can't have both companionship and good sex (i.e., a relationship) and be thinking at the same time "This chick's cool but I get bored with her when I'm around other girls...maybe I should dump her". You can keep that attitude and go on dates, but you have to realize you're kind of treating them like they're disposable, and turnabout is fair play.

[strawberry]

I kind of get the impression (and to be fair I'm a complete stranger on a messageboard judging you) that you actually really do want a relationship but you have fallen prey (consciously or unconsciously) to the "sure, she's great, but the next girl might be greater!" trap.

There's nothing wrong with dating around, as long as the girls you're dating are on the same page with you. But what if you're really doing is serial "just until something better comes along" I don't think it's a very healthy way to treat yourself or other people. Cause there will always be something better right around the corner, if only in your imagination, and then you're never satisfied.

[dmmagic]

I kind of get the impression (and to be fair I'm a complete stranger on a messageboard judging you) that you actually really do want a relationship but you have fallen prey (consciously or unconsciously) to the "sure, she's great, but the next girl might be greater!" trap...

I've considered this possibility but come to the pretty sure conclusion that I'm really just not interested in a monogamous, serious, long-term relationship. From age 16 to 26 I had girlfriends -- never dated. Never explored different possibilities, different challenges, and different lifestyles in women. That's what I'm doing now and immensely enjoying it.

No woman I start dating goes into it thinking that I might be "the one." I explain to each one that I'm just not interested in a commitment and want to enjoy the freedom of not being in a commited relationship. For the most part, they sigh with relief and say, "Good -- I'm looking for the same thing!"

Additionally, I've been hurt and cheated on in the past. I realize I'm avoiding commitment partially because of this. (Yes, I know I just opened up another psychological can of worms with which Northcott is going to beat me up with...)

:D

[Freedom Canadian]

For the most part, they sigh with relief and say, "Good -- I'm looking for the same thing!"


And you believe them ? ;)

[mollygrue]

well said strawberry--it is a common affliction of the single--the belief that something better is out there somewhere.

i am impressed by the insight that these guys have been offering --shark, limper, tiquinn & all-- really am impressed.

a suggestion--and i do mean this kindly & not as sniping--Dude--if youre lonely and dont like to be alone--get a dog. they give unconditional love and affection, they are always willing to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, they gaze at you adoringly with limpid brown eyes full of luv no matter what. If you go out and have a good time--they dont care, as long as you come home. Its ok with your dog if you pet other dogs. They are almost guaranted to like your friends, and they are also a wonderful way to get out of the house, get some exercise , and offer a great conversation starter --everbody likes to talk about their dogs at the park, the pet supply store or the obedience class. Dogs are good company. Think about it.

[Glass]

a suggestion--and i do mean this kindly & not as sniping--Dude--if youre lonely and dont like to be alone--get a dog. they give unconditional love and affection, they are always willing to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, they gaze at you adoringly with limpid brown eyes full of luv no matter what. If you go out and have a good time--they dont care, as long as you come home. Its ok with your dog if you pet other dogs. They are almost guaranted to like your friends, and they are also a wonderful way to get out of the house, get some exercise , and offer a great conversation starter --everbody likes to talk about their dogs at the park, the pet supply store or the obedience class. Dogs are good company. Think about it.
But, what if the next dog's eyes are browner, it's tail waggier, it's fur softer?

And what if the next dog wants him to pee on it?! ;)


OK, in all seriousness, you got caught by surprise, and it sucks, but what're you gonna do? It happens, and it sounds like you've just got a case of remorse over getting hit with it before you could pull the play yourself. Get out there, date, find some pretty young thing, and dripdripdrip, player.

[dmmagic]

a suggestion--and i do mean this kindly & not as sniping--Dude--if youre lonely and dont like to be alone--get a dog...

If you think that the kind of intimacy I want to have with a human female can be substituted with an animal... then miss, you need to start your own thread for others to analyze.

:)

[Northcott]

It is fallacious to assume that I date people simply to make them a place-holder for my next relationship. I date because I'm not interested in a monogamous/long-term relationship. That doesn't mean the current person I'm dating is simply a pit stop on my way to getting laid. If that were the case, I wouldn't even be dating them in the first place.

I'm just going by your words, man: "One thing to add is that I hate being alone. I get pretty lonely and don't like the thought that I don't have someone to call (of the female persuasion)."

Gender specifity points out that you're not just looking for company. It's not just about being lonely and needing an ear to bend, or just another human presence around. You have a want, and you use others to fill that want.

Now let's be straight: I'm not saying that this is by necessity a bad thing, but it can be depending on how a guy leans. And how upfront he is about that point. It's also worth noting that pretty much everybody lies to themselves at one point or another. It's hard to catch somebody else lying to themselves, because they believe what they're telling us, after all, but we stand a chance at catching ourselves. So any stance must start there, if we're to have a solid foundation.

You've basically got two choices now: dismiss the way you phrased the above as an accident of speech -- which it may well be -- or ask yourself if there's something in the subtly of your communication that's perhaps pointing out something you don't normally look at.


I don't believe in good and evil, really. Even 'good' and 'bad' are pretty relative. It's not a moralistic judgement, but rather the goal of building a solid foundation so that we can strive for greater potential in ourselves, and build a life of greater contentment in the meantime. As to whether or not it works -- mileage varies. :)


Edit: And the response above this post pretty much hammers that impression in.

[Northcott]

Additionally, I've been hurt and cheated on in the past. I realize I'm avoiding commitment partially because of this. (Yes, I know I just opened up another psychological can of worms with which Northcott is going to beat me up with...)

:D

Naaaah! Not unless I catch you threadcrapping on somebody's head or acting like an ass across the boards in general. Then I'll be as rude a prick as they come. :) I have my standards. Sometimes it's fun to fight with people, sometimes it's the best way to make a point with them. This doesn't really fit either of those criteria.

[Enk]

How long do you think it will be before your self esteem no longer needs the artificial boost of having the last word in a relationship?

[TiQuinn]

If you think that the kind of intimacy I want to have with a human female can be substituted with an animal... then miss, you need to start your own thread for others to analyze.

:)


I dunno, man. The older you get, the less women just want a fuckbuddy. Have a circle of friends, and keep dating and having one night stands, but more often than not, the girls you keep dating will eventually want a relationship.

[mollygrue]

If you think that the kind of intimacy I want to have with a human female can be substituted with an animal... then miss, you need to start your own thread for others to analyze.

:)
Emotional intimacy is a dimension of interpersonal intimacy which varies in degree, much like Physical intimacy. In an emotional context, intimacy can be observed in terms of communication pertaining to emotional states as subjective experiences. The degree of comfort and effectiveness of the communicative process can be seen as an indicator of the emotional intimacy between two individuals. Relative emotional intimacy depends primarily on trust, as well as the nature of the relationship(definition of terms via WIKI)

note the word trust. what you describe is a desire for a series of connections /hookups which allow you to experience the pleasures of a relationship w/o the responsibilities. been there, done that. and it has nothing to do with developing intimacy.

the dog note was intended as a serious suggestion--pets provide emotional connection but ask for nothing in return, they give unconditional approval, and endless appreciation.

human females tend to make very poor pets.

[SHARK]

And you believe them ? ;)

Greetings!

*laughing* That was very good my friend! That's *EXACTLY* what I said to myself when I read that too!

dmmagic--again, just a perspective. In my experience--and before I got married, and since my divorce--has been...rather successful and extensive, by anyone's definition.:D

Having said that, I have to tell you....indeed, there are a few women that feel that way. Here's the catch, however. Most women--even the women that tell you that they just want to date, and don't want anything serious--are *lying to you*. Like one woman friend told me--

"SHARK, that is a *line* that women use with men, simply because early on, we know that's what a guy wants to hear, and we don't want to scare him off thinking we want to get married right away or something. In the back of just about any woman's mind...yeah, she wants a serious relationship...*especially* once you've fucked her!"

In my experience, this has almost always been true. I don't care what a woman *says*. And you know what? Yeah, for that *moment*--they may be telling you the truth...that they don't want anything serious, blah, blah, blah...but once you start fucking them...yeah. They change their mind!!!:D

Everytime, my friend....*everytime*.

So, I would say it's true enough that you can bet money on it. 19 out of 20 women, 95 out of a 100, whatever. You would have to date and date and date a whole lot of women before you happen to find a woman that doesn't want the relationship to progress; is cool with only hanging out with you when you feel like it; and cool with you fucking other women. It's rare, my friend. Why? Well, without going into a huge psychological monologue, suffice to say that women are not keen on temporary, frivolous "hook-ups" with nothing else happening or to look forward to. They may be in that stage temporarily, but it's short-lived at best, and even then, if she's with a guy that she really likes--the women rather quickly ditch the "I'm cool with it just being totally casual". Women view and experience sex and the emotions that go along with it differently from men; in that sense, men are simply more at ease with casual sex, and men must be more emotionally engaged to look at a sexual relationship more in line with what women usually want and expect. Women usually understand this difference a bit better--and sooner--than men do, and operate accordingly, with the way that women usually seek to develop the relationship from it's initial frenzied, coy, casual stages...allowing the man to get used to them, get to know them, and value them...so that the woman can hopefully expect and enjoy the man to be ready and excited about taking the relationship to the "next level".

This "next level" mind you, is NOT necessarily marriage, kids, and white picket fence. No, it varies with the woman, her own ambitions and goals and preferences. But it certainly is something more dependable and enjoyable than just being a guy's convenient and temporary "fuck buddy."

Think about these things, my friend, and it will equip you to better understand the emotional and sexual mind-set of women.

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

[Atropine Mama]

This thread delivers... weird pizza that's half pathetic and half wisdom.

I want to separate you guys and make you play dodgeball with a cinderblock. Now that would be an entertaining way to end this crappy thread!

[Brynja]

But I always get picked last :(

[Northcott]

This thread delivers... weird pizza that's half pathetic and half wisdom.

I want to separate you guys and make you play dodgeball with a cinderblock. Now that would be an entertaining way to end this crappy thread!

THAT FUCKING ROCKS!!!1!

[shabois]

This thread delivers... weird pizza that's half pathetic and half wisdom.

I want to separate you guys and make you play dodgeball with a cinderblock. Now that would be an entertaining way to end this crappy thread!


I take exception to that ! I have seen some crappy threads on her and this one rocks. There are some very thoughtful responses for once...:D

[Northcott]

I take exception to that ! I have seen some crappy threads on her and this one rocks. There are some very thoughtful responses for once...:D

True enough. There's some real responses in here, instead of the pissing matches this kind of thing used to often engender.

[Darth Flatulent]

SHARK, your newsletter should be required reading. Dead on.

[strawberry]

True enough. There's some real responses in here, instead of the pissing matches this kind of thing used to often engender.

Isn't it odd?

[shabois]

There is a first time for everything...even on this site! :D

[dmmagic]

I wanted to thank everyone who responded to this thread. Though I wasn't expecting you guys to dive into the deep end of my psyche, it was eye opening and entertaining. I can already tell that the members of this board are going to create some really amazing ideas and conversations.

(Thank you even to the people with nothing better to say than the snarky comments at my expense and negative karma!)

:D

[SHARK]

SHARK, your newsletter should be required reading. Dead on.

Greetings!

Well, thank you very much, Darth! As a point of discussion, what part of what I wrote did you especially enjoy?

*SHARK stretches out in his high-backed throne, lighting up a fine Arturo Fuente Opus X cigar, and puffs slowly...sipping some good Irish coffee*

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

[Darth Flatulent]

First off--don't even *blink*. Move the fuck on, brother! For the sake of argument and instruction, lets just say that you don't date ugly girls, or crazy, fucked-in-the-head women, or drug addicts. Just normal, reasonably attractive, reasonably intelligent women.

Ok, with whatever number you want to deal with--10, 20, 30, 50 or a 100--of these women that you could reasonably date, guess what?

While they are all reasonably attractive, reasonably intelligent, some may have very good jobs, and some might be just *sizzling* in bed--you are not, in the end, going to be a good fit for most of them. It has only a little to do with externals, and a whole lot to do with just little personality differences. Accept that 90% of the sexy, intelligent, cool women that you may date--or even fuck--will not last beyond a week, or a few weeks, and so on, either because they are just "not feeling it" with you--or you're "not feeling it" with them. This is normal, and really--the reality of things. Sometimes, they will drop you for trivial reasons, or more significant reasons--and you the same. Ultimately, you need to armour yourself and EXPECT THIS AS THE NORMAL REALITY--as opposed to, like many people--going into every relationship or encounter with some driving hope that *this* person is going to be the "queen."

In fact, expect them to move on. There will be times--as you even alluded to--that YOU will drop them, and move on. This is normal. Not just NORMAL--but ok, right, and GOOD.


SHARK

This is the main one. I'm going through this with my father right now. He divorced for the second time last fall. It is so strange giving your own father relationship advice. But this is exactly what I've been telling him.