The mind of a schizophrenic

[Varaj]

I'm been tossing the idea of posting a thread that has blog sort of stuff about what my mind is like unfiltered. I spend a good amount of time filtering out insanity and didn't know if people would be interested in kind of having a peek into it.*

Any interest?


*I don't claim it will grant any special knowledge or insight or that it is particularly unique or indicative of all schizophrenics.

[Lisa Nadazdy]

I wouldn't mind reading it, if it doesn't cause you problems. Most people don't have a clue beyond what Hollyweird presents, and I'd like more of an insight from the horse's mouth, as it were.

[Brynja]

I would love to read.

[Varaj]

I wouldn't mind reading it, if it doesn't cause you problems. Most people don't have a clue beyond what Hollyweird presents, and I'd like more of an insight from the horse's mouth, as it were.

You would say that but I can hear the echoes of your secrets. The sound of your dark past hurts. It sounds like that broken radio stuck between two stations. One station whispers your evil past and one whispers the good. Sometimes they cross and mix and if I focus I can pick out one or the other. I know secrets about everybody. I can hear it when I read what they type and I can hear it when I see them. Souls touch everything and color everything we do it makes a maddening buzz around us. If I let it will drown me.

[Varaj]

My apologies if this sort of stuff sounds forced but it really isn't. My normal typing is the forced stuff.

[Lisa Nadazdy]

You would say that but I can hear the echoes of your secrets. The sound of your dark past hurts. It sounds like that broken radio stuck between two stations. One station whispers your evil past and one whispers the good. Sometimes they cross and mix and if I focus I can pick out one or the other. I know secrets about everybody. I can hear it when I read what they type and I can hear it when I see them. Souls touch everything and color everything we do it makes a maddening buzz around us. If I let it will drown me.


Pick the station playing the evil. That's where all the good music is, anyway. The other station is just talk radio shit.:yuck:

[Varaj]

As I sit hear typing I can hear my neighbors plotting against me. They whisper like rats. I think they know my chip is broken. Everybody has one and sometimes I wish mine worked right. The chip is used to control us, when they break we start to see the truth. It is stupid to focus on the truth because nobody will believe you. They can't even if they wanted to. The chips won't let them. I know who built the chips.
As a dot is two a line
As a line is to a square
As a square is to a cube
As a cube is to a hyper cube.
We are to them and we are to ourselves.
We are pressed down like a shadow and those that aren't pressed control us. I don't know why they do but they will stop at nothing to keep the truth hidden.

[Lisa Nadazdy]

Sorry, carry on. Stream of consciousness nattering.


Don't let me bother you.

[Varaj]

Pick the station playing the evil. That's where all the good music is, anyway. The other station is just talk radio shit.:yuck:

I don't want to know your secrets but I do. It is hard to deal with people when you know what they have done. How do you go to work when your boss is a murderer. How do you get food when the waiter poisoned somebody yesterday at his job. Am I going to be next? Will he get me because I know he has killed?
I always watch for cars following me. Three turns and then I turn at random. I hate riding because then I can't turn at random.

[Varaj]

Some people get songs stuck in their heads. That is they way it is supposed to work. I don't get songs stuck in my head because of my chip being broken.
I only explain this so you will understand.
I get 'actions/orders' stuck. That is 100% correct but I don't know a better work, maybe visualizations stuck is better.
Right now I see/feel everybody sticking a knife in me. I don't like to have people stand over me. Their sense of motion of attack is always strong. It isn't so bad when they are eye level or lower.

[Varaj]

Sorry, carry on. Stream of consciousness nattering.


Don't let me bother you.

I wouldn't really say stream of consciousness. More what really is going on at this time, stream of reality?

[Northcott]

Thanks for opening this up, Varaj. It's enlightening.

[PWD]

Fascinating.

[Lisa Nadazdy]

I wouldn't really say stream of consciousness. More what really is going on at this time, stream of reality?

I suppose it is. It brings back memories of my own childhood, which never goes away, and always seems to be there, lurking out of sight like a monster. I believe time isn't linear, but an abstract solid, and we always sit side-by-side with our past. It never really goes away, and continues to take it's pound of flesh.

[Varaj]

Fascinating.

I'm fascinated by what it must be like to be totally controlled. I think at some level people know they are slaves to the chip makes (I wish I had a name for them but making one up sounds silly). It is probably why people hate/fear the 'mentally ill', it is the same reason a grounded bird hates a flying bird. I once read a short story that had the title "In the valley of the blind the one eyed man is soon declared insane." The story was about the title and it is true.
I am free and it makes me better but I can't let people know I'm better because they will blind me. It is why anti-psychotics suck so much it is punishment for being better.

[Varaj]

I suppose it is. It brings back memories of my own childhood, which never goes away, and always seems to be there, lurking out of sight like a monster. I believe time isn't linear, but an abstract solid, and we always sit side-by-side with our past. It never really goes away, and continues to take it's pound of flesh.

We are surrounded by overlapping realities. Right now I can hear my wife typing and the typing is answered by the dryer that is running. I know there is a message being passed but I try not to think about it. It could be dangerous to understand. I suppose the abstract solid of the past and future are like that, messages we shouldn't see but can't help but see.

[Varaj]

Right now I have to pee. I don't want to go because I have a pop next to me. If I take the pop it they will know I know what they are planning. If I don't take the soda they will enact their plan. So instead I sit and drink my pop until it is finished. Once the soda is gone then I can go pee.
Right now my jaw aches as well. That is because I can feel the chip trying to correct itself. They can see these messages and are issuing commands to the chip. I wish it wasn't too broken to work. Sometimes it would be nice to not know.

[Lisa Nadazdy]

You have more courage than I do. I've dealt with mental illness and abuse most of my life. It's only in the last ten years I've managed to obtain a measure of control over my life and get past the hurt and self-loathing and depression. I have scars both within and without that are a testament to my ability to survive what shit this world throws at me, and while I'm not whole, I'm alive and still here. For most of my life, I believed that the world was trying to murder me, take everything I own, destroy anything good, and I hated the world for that. I don't know what it's like to be like everyone else- I can put on an illusion of being normal, but I know I'm not. I know that the world would take everything I have if I don't put up walls, if I don't fight. I don't know how everyone else manages to make things work- it looks so easy for them, and for me, it's so damned hard.

Varaj, you're not alone. My fights are not the same as your fights, but there is overlap. You want to exist in a world that's poison, where you're the outsider looking in, forever. The best you can do most times is just try to not be noticed that you're not like them.

[Morbidity]

Fascinating Varaj … following not meant to offend, but to try and understand so apologies in advance if I’m using the wrong words or whatever.

There’s a theory that everyone’s consciousness is not a single being but instead a choir and a conductor processes it into a single mind. In some people the conductor isn’t doing the job all that well. At the very least the left and the right mind are different people. When they’ve done studies on people who have had their brains cut in two for some reason the different sides of the brain give different answers to the same question … one side will believe in god and the other not, one side will like chocolate and the other not, etc, etc. Atticus knows way more about this than I do.

Is this typical Varaj? I guess I’m trying to understand if you have “voices” in your head are they all paranoid about various things as your comments thus far would suggest or are some of them nice? Do you even identify as separate “voices” or are they all just you?

[strawberry]

Never in a million years would I have guessed anyone experienced the world that way. Thank you.

[Varaj]

Fascinating Varaj … following not meant to offend, but to try and understand so apologies in advance if I’m using the wrong words or whatever.


It's all good.



There’s a theory that everyone’s consciousness is not a single being but instead a choir and a conductor processes it into a single mind. In some people the conductor isn’t doing the job all that well. At the very least the left and the right mind are different people. When they’ve done studies on people who have had their brains cut in two for some reason the different sides of the brain give different answers to the same question … one side will believe in god and the other not, one side will like chocolate and the other not, etc, etc. Atticus knows way more about this than I do.


From what I understand about the human brain works that isn't too far off. Most people even kind of understand this. They weigh everything when coming a decision.


Is this typical Varaj? I guess I’m trying to understand if you have “voices” in your head are they all paranoid about various things as your comments thus far would suggest or are some of them nice? Do you even identify as separate “voices” or are they all just you?

The voices aren't inside my head. I hear them just like I hear anything else. It isn't dialog inside my head they are external sounds. All the italics is me thinking, kind of the the thoughts that would happen if I don't stop them.

Right now what I do is try to identify healthy thought patterns and unhealthy thought patterns and shut down the unhealthy thought patterns. I interrupt the thoughts as they happen. I can't stop the noise and voices but I can ignore them if I determine they aren't real.

As for good and bad. Most of what I hear is generally paranoia type stuff. If I'm decaying I will have personalities that regularly talk to me appear. Again these aren't inside my head they are fully real sounds. I know I keep repeating it but I think it is a common misconception about voices, they aren't internal.

[Varaj]

You have more courage than I do. I've dealt with mental illness and abuse most of my life. It's only in the last ten years I've managed to obtain a measure of control over my life and get past the hurt and self-loathing and depression. I have scars both within and without that are a testament to my ability to survive what shit this world throws at me, and while I'm not whole, I'm alive and still here. For most of my life, I believed that the world was trying to murder me, take everything I own, destroy anything good, and I hated the world for that. I don't know what it's like to be like everyone else- I can put on an illusion of being normal, but I know I'm not. I know that the world would take everything I have if I don't put up walls, if I don't fight. I don't know how everyone else manages to make things work- it looks so easy for them, and for me, it's so damned hard.

Varaj, you're not alone. My fights are not the same as your fights, but there is overlap. You want to exist in a world that's poison, where you're the outsider looking in, forever. The best you can do most times is just try to not be noticed that you're not like them.

Thanks.
I had a pretty standard onset. Right near the end of puberty. 18 for a male. Very classic incipient schizophrenia. I spent the next several years in and out of psych hospitals. I think over a 10 year period I spent close to 4 years or so actually in the hospital. I was bum fuck crazy. I finally broke the cycle of hospitalizations by deciding I couldn't be normal and instead worked on functioning as if I was normal. I've gotten very good at that. Most people don't notice anything wrong with me when they meet me. :)

[Varaj]

I should sleep, but sleep is the enemy. I can't actually say that out loud because too many of my friends think it means I'm sick. So I hide that little truth because they know to look for it. If they hear that truth they will act.
Sleep is the enemy because when we sleep the shadows that we are attempt to move up a level. It is like an attack of self. When I wake I have to spend a time separating me from them. I don't dream I experience real life and I don't know which is which. In the morning I'm often not me or at least I'm a mix of mes. I have to work out which is which and I think I toss out some of the real me. It makes for a long morning so I hate to sleep to lose myself like that. I can't afford to allow the other to slip in. I'm worried I didn't explain that well.
Let me try again.
When I dream my dreams are reality. I can't tell my dreams from waking reality. Each morning I have to try and separate dream from waking. If I can't decide which is which I toss to be safe. I know I toss waking memories into the dream pile to not be touched. So every time I sleep I'm forced to toss a little of my past away. It is a slow but steady death of self.

[Atropine Mama]

I told him I could guard his pop so he could go pee, but he drank it down before he got up to go. Dude. I can handle guarding the pop.

Also, my keyboard and the dryer got into a fight last week so they're not speaking to each other, although I hear the microwave and the toaster oven are having an affair.




I know, I'm an asshole. :D

Anyway, thank you folks for treating this with gravity and respect.

[pandiculator]

Wow. I'm honored and impressed and your openness and honesty.

Makes my problems seem a lot smaller in comparison.

[Morbidity]

Okay just so I can be clear. The voices/people who aren't real but your brain creates are external people and have nothing to do with the italics.

The unhealthy/paranoid thoughts are identifiably you, but you can identify them as being "odd" and therefore ignore them. Kind of like when you have an argument with yourself over whether or not you want to get up in the morning. There's a bit of yourself which is having "odd" thoughts and you shut that down or ignore it so it sort of becomes quieter but is still there. Is that about right?

So are the unhealthy thoughts the low level of schizophrenia and the external sounds/people the high level or is it all sort of mixed in together.

... and I'd just like to say you have my utter respect for being able to function and go through life if you are constantly filtering out this sort of thing.

[Varaj]

Okay just so I can be clear. The voices/people who aren't real but your brain creates are external people and have nothing to do with the italics.

Yup if I actually quote some voices I'll make sure they are clearly marked.


The unhealthy/paranoid thoughts are identifiably you, but you can identify them as being "odd" and therefore ignore them. Kind of like when you have an argument with yourself over whether or not you want to get up in the morning. There's a bit of yourself which is having "odd" thoughts and you shut that down or ignore it so it sort of becomes quieter but is still there. Is that about right?

Good analogy. The danger is not correctly separating them. I think most people have the rational sort of internal dialogs. The schizophrenic ones are very irrational and at it's worst the irrational side doesn't just win there is no rational side.


So are the unhealthy thoughts the low level of schizophrenia and the external sounds/people the high level or is it all sort of mixed in together.


Not sure what you mean there?


... and I'd just like to say you have my utter respect for being able to function and go through life if you are constantly filtering out this sort of thing.


Wow. I'm honored and impressed and your openness and honesty.

Makes my problems seem a lot smaller in comparison.


Thanks.

[Varaj]

There a messages in everything, codes, secrets. They are all around us. In what we read, what we breath, what we eat. Trying to understand them is dangerous. Some knowledge shouldn't be sought. The temptation to seek them is hard to fight. Instead we should let the knowledge come naturally. An awaking of hidden truths at a sub-conscious level. That is when our hyper levels cast their understanding down into us. It is always more pure that way.

[Ancalagon]

it almost sounds that you are constantly trying to ... fight yourself. Like if your mind was a unruly horse that kept trying to go in directions you do not want.

I think I understand a *little* bit what you are describing though. It is very easy for me to have recurring negative thoughts - these are usually about my perceived failures. I *know* I'm being too hard on myself, but it takes an effort to NOT remind myself of them constantly.

Ancalagon

[Morbidity]

Sorry I’ll be clearer.

The part of schizophrenia which is most widely known is the external voices/people which don’t exist. Does this only occur at the extremes of schizophrenia, ie when the condition is very bad? Or does it occur at all levels?

The part of schizophrenia which I was unaware of until I watched “A Beautiful Mind” (which I’m sure got lots of stuff wrong) was the paranoid/conspiracy thoughts which you are showing us here. Does this occur at low level schizophrenia and get worse the more severe the condition is?

I guess I’m trying to understand which bits are the variables in the condition and what gets worse. So in a good week would there be just a few irrational thoughts and no external apparitions and in a bad week all irrational thoughts and many external apparitions.

[Dr. Paragon]

So by some of the content posted thus far I take it that you (Varaj)
are dealing with 'Paranoid Schizophrenia' right?

I suffer a little from audiatory hallucinations but they are sounds,
it seems like the sounds are in fact there but I am not processing
them correctly so they have no context.

That and I know I am Schizotypal, but then again anybody who
actually believes in the paranatural and/or thoelogical meets the
qualifiers for that.

Are you Epileptic Varaj? I am and when I get close to having a fit
my "glitchiness" gets very bad before it hits.

[bunny]

This is absolutely amazing reading. Thank you for sharing. As Lisa mentioned this is very brave of you.

As I read I started to see something that was very different. It will take me some time to work out, but it has a lot to do with your analogy of the broken chip.


It reminds me a lot of the Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckou's Nest. There was one line of his that will always stick with me. "Just because it didn't happen doesn't mean it wasn't real."

Thankyou Varaj.

[Goblin Girl]

Wow, Varaj. You seemed completely fine when I met you. :)

Does it help you to reveal your internal monolog to us? Honestly I would worry that by putting it out here you might be giving it some sort of credibility or authority that it should not have.

By the way, here's the way I think of you: Sitting on the couch with your youngest son, gently and patiently helping him use the table and couch as a sort of obstacle course while you kept up a running dialog about what he was doing and seeing. Your obvious care and love for him shine like a beacon.

You may be struggling mightily on the inside, but you're ok. Way more than ok, as a matter of fact.

[FeatsofClay]

I have spent a wee bit of time with V. I enjoyed his time (hell, I even enjoyed Limper) at my home I wonder.

See, V is a smart SOB. I know most people here would think that but the keyboard and time can make people appear 'brighter' by giving them time to think, reflect and research before answering. V is actual, real-time conversation smart. I also gotta say he seems far more rational and balanced than most of the peopel I have met on the planet.

Here is my question(with all respect): What happens when this condition strikes a dumbass instead of someone like you?

I hear frequently (usually when I am in a hyper/manic mood and in my studio) "There is a thin line between genius and insanity". I always wonder why noone wants to talk about the thin line between dumbass and insanity.

Strictly as an experiment I would like a Control Group Varaj I could shave 40 IQ points off of and raise the same to see what CGV does.

Any insight V?

[Xavier Lang]

Any interest?

Yes.

[Xavier Lang]

You may be struggling mightily on the inside, but you're ok. Way more than ok, as a matter of fact.


Some comments require a ditto. That is one.

[Black Angel]

I don't really have anything new to add or query, but must thank you also, Varaj, for sharing your innermost thoughts with us all. It must take a lot of courage for you to share all of that.

As a health professional, I certainly see the external effects of people in this situation a lot, but I can't say I even vaguely understand what is going on for them on the inside. Thankyou for a small window into their world.

[Dawnstar]

It takes a hell of a lot of courage to put yourself out there for all to see. And for this I commend you. I also want to thank you for helping all of us understand what you go through each and every minute of your day. From what I have seen of you, you are very well put together. You do an amazing job of dealing with this.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

[PWD]

Incidentally I too just finished rewatching A Beautiful Mind (woohoo Jennifer Connolly), so maybe this is coming in a little clearer for me than it might otherwise have.

Whatever the accuracy of the movie, it at least sets you up to be more understanding and empathetic. The concept of seeing/hearing things that aren't there, but they're as real as anything else despite knowing they're not real... and you knowing they're not real doesn't slow them down one bit - that's really hard to get a feel for until you've had the concept snuck up on you like in the film.

[Varaj]

Sorry I’ll be clearer.

The part of schizophrenia which is most widely known is the external voices/people which don’t exist. Does this only occur at the extremes of schizophrenia, ie when the condition is very bad? Or does it occur at all levels?
Voices is a common symptom but doesn't always appear in all schizophrenics. It is one of the defining symptoms (hearing two or more voices that provide running commentary)


The part of schizophrenia which I was unaware of until I watched “A Beautiful Mind” (which I’m sure got lots of stuff wrong) was the paranoid/conspiracy thoughts which you are showing us here. Does this occur at low level schizophrenia and get worse the more severe the condition is?

It is a common symptom but there are actually different types of schizophrenia. There are paranoid schizophrenics, catatonic schizophrenics, etc. For a paranoid schizophrenic the answer is yes.


I guess I’m trying to understand which bits are the variables in the condition and what gets worse. So in a good week would there be just a few irrational thoughts and no external apparitions and in a bad week all irrational thoughts and many external apparitions.

I can only speak for me. I always hear noise and it sometimes moves to voices. I am also always a bit paranoid. People are plotting against me and cars are following me. I am also a bit delusional. I know I have a chip in my head that controls me. I know the TV is used to program chips. All these things get stronger and more clear if I start to decay.

[Varaj]

So by some of the content posted thus far I take it that you (Varaj)
are dealing with 'Paranoid Schizophrenia' right?

Yup


I suffer a little from audiatory hallucinations but they are sounds,
it seems like the sounds are in fact there but I am not processing
them correctly so they have no context.

That and I know I am Schizotypal, but then again anybody who
actually believes in the paranatural and/or thoelogical meets the
qualifiers for that.

You have my sympathy.


Are you Epileptic Varaj? I am and when I get close to having a fit
my "glitchiness" gets very bad before it hits.

I occasionally have partial temporal lobe seizures (petite mal)

[Varaj]

Here is my question(with all respect): What happens when this condition strikes a dumbass instead of someone like you?


The vast majority of schizophrenics can't function in society at all. They are either in the streets homeless, in a psych ward for like, kept in somebodies house or dead. Schizophrenics have a life expectancy of about 35 because of the high rate of suicide. Suicide rates are higher in schizophrenics than in chronic depression.

Incidentally I too just finished rewatching A Beautiful Mind (woohoo Jennifer Connolly), so maybe this is coming in a little clearer for me than it might otherwise have.

Whatever the accuracy of the movie, it at least sets you up to be more understanding and empathetic. The concept of seeing/hearing things that aren't there, but they're as real as anything else despite knowing they're not real... and you knowing they're not real doesn't slow them down one bit - that's really hard to get a feel for until you've had the concept snuck up on you like in the film.

A Beautiful Mind did a great job of showing how total the delusions can be. I loved that movie because it starts to really trap the audience in the same place the dude is in.

[Varaj]

Thanks for all the kind words everybody.

[doc]

Keep up the fight to stay sane.

[PWD]

A Beautiful Mind did a great job of showing how total the delusions can be. I loved that movie because it starts to really trap the audience in the same place the dude is in.

Not to make any excuses for my own brutishness over the years, but I think people don't get when they're asking for understanding that most of us literally have no basis upon which to even begin to form an understanding. Without help, it's no easier than someone telling you to just not experience these things.

I mean, I've heard for years about the delusions being as real as real can be, and powerful even when recognized as "false"... but hearing it is different than getting a flavor for it. The movie for me started to build that, where nothing else had - largely because it was insidious about trapping you within the acceptance of his delusions as real. I still can't entirely fathom it, but I can believe that it's real, and that's something more than I've had.

Anyhow, people who struggle with it and remain "sane" through sheer force of will and a vast self-knowledge like most of us will never have are very impressive people.

[Atropine Mama]

Anyhow, people who struggle with it and remain "sane" through sheer force of will and a vast self-knowledge like most of us will never have are very impressive people.

I'm biased, but am also particularly impressed that he successfully holds down a full time job in a professional capacity (has for years), married a crazy bitch, is raising happy and healthy children who will probably never know the extent of what he goes through to give them the life they have, and still maintains a huge degree of happiness for himself. The man is a superhero to me.

[Northcott]

I'm biased, but am also particularly impressed that he successfully holds down a full time job in a professional capacity (has for years), married a crazy bitch, is raising happy and healthy children who will probably never know the extent of what he goes through to give them the life they have, and still maintains a huge degree of happiness for himself. The man is a superhero to me.

I'm glad you two have each other. It's always nice to see people happy. :)

[Merganser]

This is pretty interesting stuff, Varaj, thanks for posting it. I only "know" two schizophrenics - you and the brother of one of my D&D players. That guy's the catatonic type, and he lives in the state hospital now (it was that or jail). So, this is pretty interesting stuff indeed.

[Brynja]

Varaj-

Thank you for sharing all of that, it is very interesting for me to read not only from a getting to know -you- standpoint but to be able to better understand some of my students.

Anything that helps me there is worth it's weight in gold.

[Varaj]

Glad to help. Not much else to post. It really all boils down to what I already have posted. Lots of paranoia and delusional stuff. Nothing to exciting. :)

[Lisa Nadazdy]

Glad to help. Not much else to post. It really all boils down to what I already have posted. Lots of paranoia and delusional stuff. Nothing to exciting. :)

One day I'll do something similar and post my own traumas and childhood suffering, but right now I prefer not to dwell on it. It's too painful to think about.

[Dacke]

While on the subject of schizophrenia, where on earth does the common misconception that schizophrenia is the same thing as multiple personality disorder come from?

[Lisa Nadazdy]

While on the subject of schizophrenia, where on earth does the common misconception that schizophrenia is the same thing as multiple personality disorder come from?

Hollyweird, where else? They distort everything to make a movie work, including the facts.

[Dr_Avalanche]

It's been a very illuminating thread to read. Thanks, Varaj.

[PWD]

While on the subject of schizophrenia, where on earth does the common misconception that schizophrenia is the same thing as multiple personality disorder come from?

G.I. Joe.

I swear to god.

I had this one figure on the back who said he had paranoid schizophrenia, which made him have mulitple characters and made him really good as an infiltrator type guy.

[Dacke]

G.I. Joe.

I swear to god.

I had this one figure on the back who said he had paranoid schizophrenia, which made him have mulitple characters and made him really good as an infiltrator type guy.
Gawd.

Well, now we know.

[Dawnstar]

How do people in general handle to news about your mental health? And was it had to get the current job that you have? I ask this because I have noticed that people have a tendency to freak out when ever any sort of mental illness is mentioned no matter if it is depression, bipolar, or even panic attacks.

[Limper]

Thank you if that is an actual thought train then I'm in much better shape than I had feared.

[Varaj]

How do people in general handle to news about your mental health? And was it had to get the current job that you have? I ask this because I have noticed that people have a tendency to freak out when ever any sort of mental illness is mentioned no matter if it is depression, bipolar, or even panic attacks.

I used to bring it up in jobs now I don't. I've had people handle it all sorts of way from being scared I would kill them to being very understanding. The most common reaction is a lecture on all I need is will power.

[Limper]

I used to bring it up in jobs now I don't. I've had people handle it all sorts of way from being scared I would kill them to being very understanding. The most common reaction is a lecture on all I need is will power.

Willpower? What a bunch of idiots! Everyone knows all you really need is the love of Christ and you'll be just fine.

[Droid101]

Willpower? What a bunch of idiots! Everyone knows all you really need is the love of Christ and you'll be just fine.

I thought all that was needed was a good deep-dicking?

Oh, wait, he's not a lesbian.

[PWD]

I thought all that was needed was a good deep-dicking?

Oh, wait, he's not a lesbian.

What's that got to do with anything? :confused:

[Limper]

What's that got to do with anything? :confused:

Damn dude you are really off your game... is everything Okay?

[PWD]

Damn dude you are really off your game... is everything Okay?

If you want to get in line in front of Varaj and I for the deep dicking, just cowboy up and ask us. It's okay, I'll let you go first.

[Limper]

If you want to get in line in front of Varaj and I for the deep dicking, just cowboy up and ask us. It's okay, I'll let you go first.

No I'll take sloppy thirds in this case.

Droid was refering to a recent article about how lesbianism can be cured by a good fucking from a guy.

[Droid101]

Droid was refering to a recent article about how lesbianism can be cured by a good fucking from a guy.

Article? Fuck, I learned this from all the lesbians I fucked til they were straight.

[PWD]

No I'll take sloppy thirds in this case.

Droid was refering to a recent article about how lesbianism can be cured by a good fucking from a guy.

No shit, and I was extrapolating that more than just lesbians could be cured with a nice deep dicking.

Fuck, and you ask if I'm off *my* game?

[Limper]

Article? Fuck, I learned this from all the lesbians I fucked til they were straight.

So your hand is a lesbian?

[Droid101]

So your hand is a lesbian?

WAS a lesbian.

[PWD]

WAS a lesbian.

So now you fuck dude hands?

Dude.

[Limper]

So now you fuck dude hands?

Dude.

OK you're still in the game.

[Sobek]

Thread tangent aside, I appreciate you sharing that. For just a second, it sounded so surreal that I thought, "that would be interesting to experience for 10-15 minutes". Then, I realized that 10-15 minutes would probably be the scariest of my life.

Dude, I have the utmost respect for you being able to pull yourself through that and come off as a pretty well-adjusted guy.

On another note, I think I get why you have trouble with the word/image association thing. You spend a lot of effort removing layers of abstraction as a defense mechanism. The sort of association we were talking about is pretty abstract and probably gets stripped by the same reflex.

Oh, and thanks to Bella for cracking a joke.