How much detail with kids about sex?

[Eliezer]

So how much when? I know that different children have different maturity levels so here are some basic questions:

1) What do you do when your daughter says to you, "Daddy, how do you get tampons in, I can't make it work"?

2) Your daughters a budding young girl, how do you explain why she's getting the HPV vaccine?

3) Do your daughters know what a clitoris is? What it's for?

4) Does your daughter know that boys her age get erections and that sometimes they can't control it and that those boys are usually really embarrassed by it.

5) How do you answer the question "How exactly does the sperm get into the vagina, I know the man puts his penis in there, but then does it just trickle out as soon as he puts it in?"

6) Does she know about masturbation, both male and female?

7) Does she know about homosexuality and how gay people have sex?

8) Does your barely teen daughter know about the male sexual response to climax and about her own orgasms?

Please explain beyond yes and no. Many of you have faced these situations. Many of you ignore them. Many of you will face these situations.

[Bagpuss]

Let me preface this by saying I don't have a daughter but I do have a son, he is nearly 4 years old, so I haven't had to deal with most of these questions yet. A lot would be play it by ear I suppose, there aren't really any hard of fast rules. Generally the more detail the ask for the more you give them, if they are asking then they are the right age to know.

So how much when? I know that different children have different maturity levels so here are some basic questions:

1) What do you do when your daughter says to you, "Daddy, how do you get tampons in, I can't make it work"?

"Ask your mother." if there is no mother in the picture, then I'd think of a female friend that could explain it.

2) Your daughters a budding young girl, how do you explain why she's getting the HPV vaccine?

"It helps prevent cancer of the cervix." - What age do they get the vaccine? Depending on the age I'd probably take it as an opportunity to talk about sexually transmitted diseases.

3) Do your daughters know what a clitoris is? What it's for?

I don't have a daughter, and have no idea when young girls discover what their clitoris is for, but if it's anything like young boys and masturbation then some where between 9 and 16 they probably have got a good idea.

4) Does your daughter know that boys her age get erections and that sometimes they can't control it and that those boys are usually really embarrassed by it.

I don't have a daughter, but I'm sure she will probably learn this probably before the age of 11. My son has probably figured it out and he's only four.

5) How do you answer the question "How exactly does the sperm get into the vagina, I know the man puts his penis in there, but then does it just trickle out as soon as he puts it in?"

Honestly, like any question about sex.

6) Does she know about masturbation, both male and female?

I refer you to my answer to question 4.

7) Does she know about homosexuality and how gay people have sex?

Probably learn about homosexuality before they are about 6, how they have sex can wait until they raise the topic.

8) Does your barely teen daughter know about the male sexual response to climax and about her own orgasms?

I would expect so, if I had one. It's the sort of knowledge I would expect them to have picked up either via school, friends or asking me or their mother by the time they were in their early teens if not before.

[Hastur T. Fannon]

No kids yet. Incidentally, are you the guy who's a social worker in the UK? You might have had a name change

1) What do you do when your daughter says to you, "Daddy, how do you get tampons in, I can't make it work"?

"I have no idea, I've never done it. This is most definately your mother's department."

If Mum isn't available, she can use pads. If Mum get's hit by a blimp then - I really don't know. Luckily we have lots of friends looking forward to being "cool aunties".

2) Your daughters a budding young girl, how do you explain why she's getting the HPV vaccine?

When would this be? 12? I knew about sexually transmitted diseases and vaccinations by that stage. I see no reason why my kids won't

3) Do your daughters know what a clitoris is? What it's for?

When their old enough to ask "Dad, what's a clitoris?" they're old enough to know. "It's the tip of a muscle structure located near the top of your vulva. When it's stimulated in the right way a woman should eventually have an orgasm."

4) Does your daughter know that boys her age get erections and that sometimes they can't control it and that those boys are usually really embarrassed by it.

Didn't think of telling her that, but it'll almost certainly be in the literature we'll make available to her. If it isn't we'll supplement it

5) How do you answer the question "How exactly does the sperm get into the vagina, I know the man puts his penis in there, but then does it just trickle out as soon as he puts it in?"

"It's more of a squirt than a trickle. And yes, some does trickle out. But the whole structure is designed to guide sperm into the uterus - even if some lands on your labia you could - theoretically - get pregnant."

6) Does she know about masturbation, both male and female?

She will do. Most men touch themselves - some women do, some women don't

7) Does she know about homosexuality and how gay people have sex?

One of our prospective "cool aunties" is gay, and it's likely she'll grow up around actors. Frankly she'll pick up most of the sex education by osmosis

8) Does your barely teen daughter know about the male sexual response to climax and about her own orgasms?

I've already planned parts of the "sex talk". It will contain the phrase "vaginal-seeking missiles", when describing teenage boys. I'm also thinking of describing sexual response in evolutionary terms: "You're warm, well-fed and feel safe - your body will be telling you 'Quick - make babies before you're eaten by a sabre-toothed tiger!'"

Please explain beyond yes and no. Many of you have faced these situations. Many of you ignore them. Many of you will face these situations.

:grey: When writing YotZ: Havens, I stuck my head in the midset of a woman telling her (7 year-old) daughter the "facts of life" after the daughter had received misinformation from a rape survivor. That piece of flavor text is (IMHO) one of the best things I've written. So yes, I'd say I've considered these kind of questions.

[Black Angel]

I have no children of my own, so I can only talk from my experience learning as a child.

I think my parents handled it all very well, in that there were sex education classes at school, that parents were encouraged to come along to with their children (often held at night so parents could go). They were probably when I was around 10-11 years of age. As I progressed in age, there were yearly classes through primary school, and once I got to high school the classes were more specifically sex orientated (how to use condoms, etc) which were quite age appropriate.

While I was still in Primary school, Mum got me some books from the library to read in my own time that dealt with how your body changes in puberty, and it discussed both male and female bodies. It made it very comfortable for me to be like 'Wow Mum, I got my period' when it happened, and then she got me stuff to use from her own stash.

Can I just say tampons may not be suitable for all girls? Especially prior to sexual activity - everyone is built differently in that area, and some girls don't have enough room for tampons at an early age. And there are different sizes of tampons too. If this is a young girl, be really sure to get a small size first. Also, they do have instructions in the packaging (or at least they do here), so maybe she can have a look at that?

I don't know if any of that is vaguely helpful at all, I hope so...

[Goblin Girl]

I don't have children, and never will, so I'm going to forego answering most of your questions, Eliezer.

But with regard to the tampon question, I agree with Black Angel. Tampons may not be suitable for young teens. For all the reasons she mentioned, but also because kids that age generally aren't as concerned about hygeine as they might be, and you just don't want the girl to use grubby fingers to put the tampon in or take it out. During menstruation, the cervix is slightly open, and it's even more warm & moist in the vagina than usual, so having dirt on the tampon is an ugly infection waiting to happen.

[Eliezer]

On the tampon issue...

The young woman in question was 13 at the time and tampons came up because of sports activities (gymnastics I believe) that really weren't good for a pad. Now the child uses tampons as a supplement to pads when flows are heavy.

She just didn't understand the mechanics of it because she wasn't familiar with her vagina. So her mother explained, showed her the technique and finally got down and helped her find the right place to put it. It just seemed an appalling lack of familiarity with her own anatomy. Now she's comfortable with it and explaining to her friends how to use them.

This is also the same child at 13 who when asking about sex didn't know that she had a clitoris let alone what it was for. Apparently the furthest she had gotten in self-sexual exploration was touching her nipples.

[Eliezer]

While I was still in Primary school, Mum got me some books from the library to read in my own time that dealt with how your body changes in puberty, and it discussed both male and female bodies. It made it very comfortable for me to be like 'Wow Mum, I got my period' when it happened, and then she got me stuff to use from her own stash.


Her mother's done a good job of preparing her for understanding her period and if the mother tells the stories right they are pretty open about it and the other girls in the house are all comfortable with the coming period.

[Ergeheilalt]

When I was in fifth grade, in a suburban school outside of San Diego, we had 2 weeks of sex/puberty ed in fifth grade. Diagrams, models, all sorts stuff was thrown at us including movies and stuff.

My parents never had a sex-ed talk with me. I got pretty much everything I needed from school.

[DarwinOfMind]

heh, school, I think I learned most of it from a dictionary.

I was like a horny kid, in like 5th grade I think, and digging through a dictionary and decided to look up, GASP, pussy. LOL, of course, n, 1: a cat. but surprisingly this dictionary said 2: a slang term for vulva.
From there is was on, vulva gave me vagina, labia and clitoris, those entries gave me much more. Since my mother was a nurse, then I snuck off with one of her medical testbooks and started looking up everything I could find.

My parents never brought the subject up ever.

[Harry]

I've said it before, but I'll tell it again...

My father had no desire to have the "talk" with me, ever, and we never did have it. What he did was buy an extra large illustrated guide to human anatomy (a medical dictionary in fact], which went into lurid detail [to a young boy's mind], and he put it on the top shelf of the bookshelves arranged on the wall of our den. High up, almost to the roof, and nearly impossible to get to without a ladder. He figured, rightly as I found out when I asked him many years later, that once I was interested enough to get up there and find the book, and able to get to it, I was ready to learn about the "facts of life".

And would get far better answers from that book than he was willing or able to give.