Worst Joke I've Told

[Glass]

Two Irish brothers are sitting around fishing at a pond. The younger, Matthew, looks at his older brother and says "James, where do babies come from?" James sits, unsure of how to answer, and then decides that it'll be better to just tell the truth. "Well," James says, "first, your thing in your pants gets hard-BACK, FATHER O'MALLEY, BACK!-then, you stick it inside her-"

"I don't like Cider," Matthew cried.



OK, maybe it's not THE worst joke I've ever told. :)

[there_is_no_bob]

There's this rural sausage factory, way out in the middle of nowhere. It has a fire one day and, since it's so far away from all the emergency services, firetrucks eventually arrive from all over. The fire's gotten pretty big by this point, though, so they can't do much.

The owner is panicking, saying "Oh my god. All our recipes are in there; we'll be completely ruined! 100000$ to anyone who can get them!". The firefighters redouble their efforts, but still nothing. "200000$! 200000$ to anyone who can save our recipes!".

At this point another brigade shows up. It's a group from a Polish community, driving a beat up old firetruck, coming straight in towards the fire. They scream past the all the other firefighters and drive their truck right into the inferno. After some furious effort, they manage to quell the blaze and save the recipes.

The owner comes up to them and says "Thank you, thank you! Your bravery was incredible! What are you going to do with the 200000$ I'm going to reward you with?"

The Polish chief replies "First thing we do, we fix the brakes on this damned truck."


:grey:

[Goblin Girl]

So there's these Siamese twins. We'll call them Ann and Faye. Ann is a virtuoso saxaphone player, and Faye is a raging nymphomaniac.

Anyway, one day the girls notice that Julio Iglesias is comig to town. The both LOVE Julio's music, so they buy front row tickets.

After the show, they manage to get in to see him, and one thing leads to another. They end up going back to the hotel with him. Julio has passionate sex with Faye while Ann plays all of his greatest hits on her saxophone. It's a wild night for the girls, but eventually it comes to an end, and they leave.

They go on about their lives, but two years later, Faye notices in the newspaper that Julio Iglesias is coming to town again. She says "Ann! Let's go see Julio and maybe have a repeat of last time. I'm sure he'll be glad to see us! Ann replies, "Faye, be serious. He'll never remember us."

[Lady Fury]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady

[Glass]

Arise, vile thread, from the depths of Hell!

---

A couple is living together for awhile, and things seem to be going great, until the guy comes home and finds his girlfriend sitting on the front steps, bag in hand, waiting for a cab. "Honey," he asks, distraught, "what's going on?"

"I'm leaving you," she says angrily.

"What?! Why, honey, why?"

"My mother says you're a pedophile!"

The guy looks stunned. "....Pedophile. Fuck, honey, that's a big word for a 10 year old."

[Dacke]

What do you call a short guy who's really ticked off?

A metrognome

[AriesOmega]

You want bad jokes...okay...lets see (opens up the file cabinet). Okay...bad joke coming...cover your eyes if you don't want to read this.



Whats the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut fucks everyone. A bitch fucks everyone...but you

[Varaj]

Whats the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut fucks everyone. A bitch fucks everyone...but you

That one made me giggle.

[Bagpuss]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

[Name Lips]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

I'm easily amused. I genuinely loled. :D

[The Wanderer]

aplogies in advance.

A 747 is fully loaded with cargo and passengers and is flying from L.A. to Honolulu. 1/2 through the flight they lose an engine and some fuel the captain announces that they have to jettison the the cargo and every ones luggage or else they will crash in the pacific and all will die. so the crew toses everything into the ocean even the little bottles of booze. Everything is now going smothly til they are 3 hours out from Honolulu and another engine goes out and they lose more fuel. After a few calculations the captain figures out that everyone on board will be save if they can get 3 volunteers to jump out of the plane to their certain death. Three people volunteer a Japaneese business man, a broke wall street ceo, and a wealthy Texas rancher. The Japanese man makes his way to the hatch and announces to the passengers "Good bye to raw fish" and proceded to jump from the plane to his death. The broke ceo is next and his last word were "Later guys but coach sucks" and he jumps out. The Texan struts his way to the hatch and yells "Remember the Alamo!" and he throws out a Mexican.

[The Winslow]

This is one of the worst I've ever heard.
It is horrible.And tasteless.You were warned."Daddy, I need to go potty."
"Well, hold it in a bit so I don't have to interrupt--"
"Daddy, I really need to go potty right now."
"Just a moment, okay?"
"Daddy, no! Potty now!"
"Alright, I'm pulling out."
:ack:

[Lady Fury]

Don't know if this is considered a joke but it's bad either way.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

[Random Encounter]

During the 2008 elections there were folks who said that Obama had no chance,that we would have a black president when pigs fly.
Then, less than 100 days into his presidency, swine flu.

[Cat of Ulthar]

This morning there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

[doc]

A Scot lad went drinking at a local fair, after who knows how many pints he passed out by the side of the road. After awhile a lass came by and wondering what was underneath lifted up his kilt, being impressed she left her ribbon as a reminder. The lad woke up and went to the jakes as he lifted up to wizz he gaped at the blue ribbon tied around his McJohnson. The old duffer next to him remarked "I danna know where uo've been laddie but you took 1st prize !"

[Name Lips]

One fine tuesday evening, a man walked into a pub and ordered three pints, all at the same time. The bartender watched in confusion as the man sipped first from one pint, then the next, and so on. "They're going to go flat if you drink them like that!" the bartender protested. "Ah, but there's a story behind it" the patron responded, "Myself and my two brothers always used to go to our local pub to share a pint on tuesday, but last year we went our separate ways. We swore that wherever we ended up, we'd find a pub and order three pints every tuesday, and that way we'd still be drinking together in spirit."
The bartender thought this was a fine and touching story and came to look forward to this partiuclar patron's tuesday night visit.
One day, however, the man came into the pub and only ordered two pints. After watching him sip from the pints for a few minutes, the concerned bartender quietly said, "I'm very sorry for your loss."
After a confused moment, the patron responded, "oh, no my friend! Nobody died. It's just... I've quit drinking."

[doc]

Rabbi walks into a bar with a duck on his head, bartender asks "Where did you get that ?", Duck says "Thier all over the place in Brooklyn"

[Random Encounter]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.. He's been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful,
wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you're the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

'No,' she replies. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Bagpuss]

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Poke 'er face

[Cat of Ulthar]

"Didn't you have a daughter?"
"A daughter, yes, Henrietta."
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

[The Winslow]

Henri ate 'er?

[Cat of Ulthar]

Henri ate 'er?

Yup. :D From A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

[Cat of Ulthar]

What is the rallying cry of the French navy?

"À l'eau, c'est l'heure!"

[Old Fart]

I was watching the news one day, and heard a great Darwin-award worthy story.A couple of kids were huffing (sniffing gasoline) in their parents' garage one afternoon. After doing this for a couple of hours with the doors closed, one of these geniuses obviously decided, "Well, this is nice, but what would really top it off is a cigarette." Boom! Blows up the garage, burns down the house, catches the houses next door on fire, and of course, sends the kids to fiery oblivion.

I turned to the wife and said "They obviously never read The Three Little Pigs."
"Why's that?"
"They huffed and they puffed and they blew the house down."

[Lady Fury]

A little girl asked her Mom,
'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now,
but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'


The little girl said,
'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Cat of Ulthar]

Q: How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

[Harry]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

[Cat of Ulthar]

Dr Smith sleeps with one of his patients, and feels extremely guilty afterwards.
On his one shoulder is his evil conscience saying "Ah come on, you're a healthy young man, these things happen."
On his other shoulder is his good conscience saying "You're a vet, you sick fuck."

[Bregh]

.

[Harry]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[hobbiteer]

Dr Smith sleeps with one of his patients, and feels extremely guilty afterwards.
On his one shoulder is his evil conscience saying "Ah come on, you're a healthy young man, these things happen."
On his other shoulder is his good conscience saying "You're a vet, you sick fuck."


LOL.

[doc]

Man and woman was in the back seat, He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken more time, She replies "If I had known you had more time I would have taken off my pantyhose.

[doc]

Bunny hops out of the forest and say's "Whew last time I'll do that for 2 bucks !!

[Harry]

IM/Texting Codes for Seniors

ATD - At The Doctors ...
BFF - Best Friend Fell ...
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair ...
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth ...
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was ...
GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low ...
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On ...
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out ...
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner ...
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas ...
ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

[shiningbrow]

for Harry, from our good friend, Jock:

Bullshit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Space Cadet B^3]

Nickel, Dime, Quarter.....dollar!

There is this guy that has never had sex before and he is kinda nerves because he is about to get married and go on his honey mood, but doesnt wanna disappoint his wife. So he goes to a sex therapist. The therapist tells him. . First put a Nickel in your left pocket and go home and practice swerving your left hip come back in a few days after youve gotten it down. So he goes back and shows her that he can do it..

. Second she says put a Dime in your right pocket and go home and practice swaying back and forth. Like nickel, dime, nickel, dime, nickel, dime. So he gets it down and goes back to show the therapist that he can do it.

. Third she tells him to put a Quarter in his back pocket and practice by going. From left, to Right the pulling back like Nick, Dime, Quarter etc. So he goes back and shows her hes gotten it .

Last she tells him. This is the most important oneStick a Dollar down the front of your pants and go home and practice by going from Left, to Right, pulling back and pushing forward kinda hard. So he goes and practices. Nickel, Dime, Quarter, DOLLAR..

Nickel, Dime, Quarter, DOLLAR!! He goes back to the therapist and she says well youre ready!! He is on his honey mood and feeling all jazzed about having sex.

Because the therapist said he looked real good.and could definitely do it. He is up there doing his wifeThink in his head. Nickel, Dime, Quarter, DOLLAR.. When she say. Oh yeah Faster So he goes alittle faster still thinking in his head.Nickel, Dime, Quarter, DOLLAR.

but saying it faster to himself. When she says again Oh yesss Faster So he starts going more quickly and harderhe can barely keep the Nickel, Dime, Quarter, DOLLAR straight in his head.

And she says again Ooh yeah Faster Now he is at the point to where he cant keep it straight and Says, F**k it..

Buck 40.Buck 40..

[Harry]

A Real Woman

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .
















No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.

[Harry]

IM/Texting Codes for Seniors

ATD - At The Doctors ...
BFF - Best Friend Fell ...
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair ...
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth ...
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was ...
GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low ...
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On ...
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out ...
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner ...
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas ...
ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

More:

...BFF - Best Friends Funeral
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
LOL - Living on Lipitor
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTF - Wet the Furniture
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

[Harry]

Worst joke I've heard in the last few days, which had me giggling better than the crop of jokes concerning this subject.... I'll leave the subject to the imagination, except it's currents to the "arts and entertainment" world, since there are people who are actually pretty upset. And I guess I'll spoiler it too, for those same folks, who better know better than to unspoil it:

Guys guys, all kidding aside, I think we should congratulate her for two days of sobriety.

[bunny]

Friend: I had a good day at the park, but afterwards I remembered that sunscreen works way better when I take it out of my purse.

Me: So I guess we now know how you ended up with a gaggle of kids.

[bunny]

Bunny hops out of the forest and say's "Whew last time I'll do that for 2 bucks !!

I never did! Lies, all lies!

[cnath.rm]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away! And the husband replied Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!

And the husband began --

Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.
The husband took a quick breath and continued - She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? !!

[cnath.rm]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she
welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie,
and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued,
'When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began
thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs
looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and
a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back
in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left..
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue
burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to
her mother in the kitchen.
'The fucking dance is called the Twist !!!'

[cnath.rm]

To find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the USA, the president sets a test for the CIA,the FBI and the LAPD. He releases a rabbit in a forest and challenges them to find it.

The CIA goes in first and,after months of interviewing forest dwellers and conducting forensic tests,they deduce that the rabbit never existed.

The FBI go in next and burn down half the forest claiming the rabbit had provoked them.

The LAPD go in last and after half an hour drag out a badly beaten bear yelling "okay,okay! I'm a fucking rabbit, I'm a fucking rabbit!"

[cnath.rm]

An Irish Woman went to the Dr to ask for help in reviving her Husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the Dr

"Not a chance" she said. "He won't even take an aspirin"

"Not a problem" replied the Dr. "Give him an Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try & call me in a week to let me know how it went"

A week later she called the Dr,
The poor dear exclaimed "Oh, It was terrible, Just terrible Dr"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"I did as you advised & slipped it into his coffee & the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye, with his pants a-bulging fiercely, With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups & tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters & took me then & there, took me passionately on the tabletop. It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare"

"Why so terrible?" asked the Dr. "Do you mean the sex wasnt any good?"

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years, But as sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[doc]

Hear about the Cyclops school closing ?

It only had one pupil