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View Full Version : Canada - Land of Mountains, Lakes, Snow, Evil


Harry
09-23-2007, 10:18 AM
LINK (http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/story.html?id=da30561d-1747-4bcb-bc11-8c9a9ef49f09&k=34281)

UNITED NATIONS -- In a bid to discredit Canada at the United Nations, Iran is equipping world diplomats with a 70-page booklet on Canada's alleged human rights violations.

Written by Iran "in the name of God," the document asserts that the Canadian government denies its people food, clean water and the right to work.

"Routine unlawful strip and beatings by Canadian police has been a matter of concern for international community," notes the booklet, entitled Report on Human Rights Situation in Canada, adding that "the practice of police is alarming simply because ... it is functioning as if there is no need to have judges."

The publication, which claims its allegations are drawn from "objective and factual information released by authentic and credible international sources," alleges that a range of human rights violation occur in Canada, especially toward aboriginal peoples, refugees and immigrants.

"To the great dismay of the international community, it is a great concern that the rights of women are violated, and no serious attention has been paid in promotion and protection of women's rights in Canada."

Moreover, the document concludes, "Canada's position as a self-declared standard-bearer on human rights has been demoted to a blind-folded-and-bullied follower of the new school of unilateralism and the axis of derailment of international human rights law."

The booklet emerges on the eve of the UN's annual summit, to be attended by Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Foreign Minister Maxime Bernier.

Part of the two men's efforts will be to convince other world leaders to stay on side with a resolution Canada drove through the UN General Assembly in 2006, denouncing Iran's poor human rights record.

Iran's anti-Canadian booklet signals that its president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who will also be in New York for the summit, will argue that Canada is guilty of hypocrisy.

"It may well [win Iran support], and Canada will have to stand in the General Assembly and explain its position," said Max Morrison, a former Canadian diplomat at the UN who is now president of the Canadian Institute of Strategic Studies.

Other countries poor human rights records may also cite the Iranian publication.

"For those states that are only too happy to avoid closer examination of their disregard for such issues as freedom of speech and non-discrimination, the Iranian ploy provides an excellent opportunity to turn the spotlight elsewhere," said Anne Bayefsky, Canadian editor of the New York-based monitoring group EyeontheUN.org.

Canada has long led scrutiny of Iran at the world body, but tensions between the two countries erupted after the 2003 torture and murder of Iranian-Canadian photojournalist Zahra Kazemi in an Iranian jail.

Iran typically positions itself as the victim, and last year came within two votes of winning enough UN support to throw out the Canadian-led condemnation of 2006.

Attempts to reach a spokesman for Iran's mission to the UN were unsuccessful Friday.

In Ottawa, Bernier said he was unaware of the booklet but dismissed its charges. "We have a Charter of Rights and we respect the rule of law, democracy and human rights."

Bernier added that Canada is "concerned about the situation in Iran," and will seek support from other UN members to keep the spotlight on Iran's human rights record.

The booklet says Iran calls on the Canadian government to "comply with its international commitments before ... find faulting [sic] against others at the international community."

It draws from reports issued by various human rights and other committees of the UN as well as activist groups such as Amnesty International and even the Canadian government itself.

Canada and other advanced democracies submit their societies to scrutiny in numerous UN reports, in part to encourage other countries to do the same. Many of the world's worst human rights violators, by contrast, refuse to admit UN inspectors.

While there is an enormous gulf between Canada's and Iran's human rights records, many of the economic and social rights Iran highlights in the booklet are viewed by a significant number of developing countries as more important than civil rights.

Harper will address the UN's high-profile summit on climate change Monday. Meanwhile, the Iranian president is scheduled to speak at Columbia University after New York authorities rebuffed his request to lay a wreath at the site of the former World Trade Centers.

The next day, Ahmadinejad delivers an address at the opening of the General Assembly summit, while Harper speaks at the respected Council on Foreign Relations, where he is expected to argue that middle powers like Canada are regaining influence in the world.

Bernier arrives in New York Sunday for a high-level meeting on Afghanistan. He will speak to the General Assembly Oct. 2, also focusing on the need for the world to help Afghanistan.

Deepak Obhrai, parliamentary secretary to the minister of foreign affairs, represented Canada at gathering Friday focused on Sudan and the crisis in Darfur. He'll do the same at a gathering today on international help for Iraq.



:shock:

Varaj
09-23-2007, 10:20 AM
Snow is evil. Canada has more snow than Iran, thus Canada has more evil.
Q.E.D.

Harry
09-23-2007, 11:15 AM
Hasn't anyone else noticed how the Canadians are always sneaking through our country, scouting us in the guise of Gawd-loving, tee-shirt wearing Americans? How they lurk quietly over our northern border, massing all their numbers, aimed like an arrow right at the heart of our warm, warm land?

Freedom Canadian
09-23-2007, 11:47 AM
:lol:

This ranks right up there with the time China told us we couldn't criticize their military occupation of Tibet because we also had separatists.

TiQuinn
09-23-2007, 12:10 PM
:lol:

This ranks right up there with the time China told us we couldn't criticize their military occupation of Tibet because we also had separatists.

SILENCE, YOU MINION OF EVIL!

Freedom Canadian
09-23-2007, 12:17 PM
*Does something evil to TiQuinn*

TiQuinn
09-23-2007, 12:19 PM
*Does something evil to TiQuinn*

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE MAPLE SYRUP!!!!

Freedom Canadian
09-23-2007, 12:25 PM
Yes, the maple syrup.

Snatch
09-23-2007, 12:32 PM
I'm more concerned about the size of my shit than what Iran has to say about us. Especially with regards to the content of the pamphlet.

GreyOne
09-23-2007, 12:38 PM
I think it's time to send Agent Celene to Iran.

GreyOne
09-23-2007, 12:38 PM
I'm more concerned about the size of my shit than what Iran has to say about us. Especially with regards to the content of the pamphlet.

Is that corn?

PWD
09-23-2007, 12:45 PM
Oh shit, they're onto us.

Edena_of_Neith
09-23-2007, 05:24 PM
Corn? Where is corn grown in Canada?

Ancalagon
09-23-2007, 05:27 PM
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE MAPLE SYRUP!!!!

And then we'll put you in a ROOM with a MOOSE!

victory is mine!

Harry
09-23-2007, 09:52 PM
Since the end of the Cold War, we Americans have lived under the snug blanket of complacency which being a superpower provides. We outspent the so-called "evil empire" of the Soviets into submission, for which I most warmly and humbly thank President Reagan's astrologer. The Europeans, despite occasional attempts to show independence, are as good as U.S. satellites. Even our economic rivals, the Japanese, have fallen upon hard times. China does not yet appear ready to take its place as a global superpower, so we have nothing to worry about, right?

Wrong. One major threat stands in the way of American world dominance, and unless we figure out away to defeat this menace, we may wake up one day as residents of the eleventh province.

The menace of which I speak is our neighbor to the north -- Canada.

I know, it seems implausible, but unless steps are taken to combat the real "evil empire," your children may pledge allegiance to a leaf, listen to Bryan Adams and say "eh" three times a sentence.

I know what you're thinking. "The Canadians!?!" I'm sure that you have already come up with multiple reasons why the Canadians could not take over the United States. Not enough people, not enough military technology, Québec, the list could go on all day. However, that's just part of their nefarious plot.

The Canadians, at first glance, seem to be good neighbors, if a bit strange. They let us play hockey with them, they wave us right through at customs, they even make sure their dollar is weak so that we can go on shopping sprees there. Sure, some of them speak French, and they get uppity about who gets how much salmon from the Pacific, but on the whole, they're better neighbors than Mexico, so we think.

But the Mexicans don't have designs on taking over the United States. You see, this "good neighbor" crap is just an act. They want us to think that they are happy, friendly people who sing and dance while drinking Molson all day. That way, when the invasion day (C-Day) arrives, we'll be so surprised that we'll be helpless.

On my most recent journey to the evil empire, I, disguised as a Canadian, learned about this plot, and I now reveal it to an American audience for the first time.

Children in Canada are taught of the weakness of America and the strength of Canada from birth. Every time a midget league hockey player shoots a puck into a net, it is celebrated as a blow into the side of the Great Satan (that's us). Any discussion with a Canadian invariably leads to recollecting the War of 1812, where they (although still a British colony) burned down the White House. When they go up to the Northlands to hunt, they're not hunting game, they're trying to bag an American tourist.

You still don't believe me, do you? "Sure, they may want to take over America, but they don't have the firepower or manpower to do it," you say. Well, that is not the case. Up in the Northwest Territories, in what we Americans still naïvely believe is only tundra and an occasional Inuit, are hidden labs, where a new generation of "Super-Canadians" are being created. These "Super-Canadians," the results of years of genetic engineering, take advantage of the traditional Canadian strengths (drinking and hockey) and add to these military training, a 92 m.p.h. two-seam fastball, and above all, an undying hatred of Americans. These millions of trained warriors can, on a moments notice, strike a death-blow to the heart of American society by crossing the world's longest undefended border and wreaking havoc on the American populace.

"OK, so they have the manpower," you admit. "But we'll just find them and hunt them down like the miserable dogs that they are." If it were only that easy. You see, Canadians are masters of disguise. They are trained to be able to pass as Americans so that they can serve as spies. And this spying is taking place to an alarming degree. From music (Alanis Morrisette, Barenaked Ladies), to movies and television (Mike Myers, Dan Akyroyd), to even baseball (Larry Walker), Canadians have infiltrated the cultural machine of America. Who gives us the news everyday? Peter Jennings, a Canadian. A perfect set-up to provide propaganda to us while we are being invaded.

So, how can we avoid becoming the eleventh province? Nuclear annihilation won't work; 80% of their population lives within 100 miles of the U.S.-Canada border, so we'd wipe out a lot of important states while inflicting only minimal harm on New Jersey. Cultural assimilation has proved futile; Canadians have somehow managed to continue thinking of themselves as Canadians instead of nicer, cleaner Americans. So what are we left with? I propose that we defeat them the only way we have left: economically. One day next week (I'm free Wednesday), every American citizen should make a shopping trip to Canada. This will tie up the infrastructure, while allowing the Canadians to see all Americans up close. While the occasional New Yorker may be only mildly offensive to the average Ontarian, the family from South Carolina who honestly believes that Strom Thurmond still has a functioning brain may be too much for a Canadian to take. By showing Canada how the Province of South Ontario (i.e. The United States) would only ruin it by being loud, dirty, obnoxious, and just plain stupid, I believe that Canadians, in one voice, would rise up and demand that their government cease all activities leading to the colonization of the U.S. And when that happens, the Canadians will be ripe to be made the 51st state. Sure, we'll have to translate "The Star-Spangled Banner" into French, but the U.S. hockey team will be unbeatable.

LINK (http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/1998/07/07-27-98tdc/07-27-98d07-002.asp)

Snatch
09-23-2007, 10:07 PM
Corn? Where is corn grown in Canada?

Southern Alberta, P.E.I and New Brunswick that I've seen.

Freedom Canadian
09-23-2007, 10:26 PM
Southern Alberta, P.E.I and New Brunswick that I've seen.

Where doesn't it grow ?

It even grows in northern Quebec. Not necessarily huge harvests, mind you.

Snatch
09-23-2007, 10:39 PM
Where doesn't it grow ?


My house for one...

Northcott
09-24-2007, 12:16 AM
Corn's all over the place in Ontario, too. Friggin' edible weeds.

That article actually had me laughing at a couple points. Granted, it's going to cause a headache for our diplomats when petty little banana republics try to use it as justification for henious acts, but outside of that it's the silliest damned thing I've seen in a long time.

I'm kind of hoping that they'll stick Harper and Mahmoud in a debate together. Harper's smug, snarky, two-faced, passive-aggressive "debate" style normally irritates the Hell out of me -- but I'd pay good money to watch him make Mahmoud melt down in a public hissy fit.

Edena_of_Neith
09-24-2007, 03:06 AM
But is corn grown in Labrador?

As for super-people, you have to be a sorta superperson to survive the cold up in northern Canada (or even southern Canada.)
Don't believe me? Go up there, dressed in the heaviest winter clothing you possess or can possibly buy, stand out in the open unprotected, and see how well you do. The Canadians, conversely, do just fine in this weather. :)

Northcott
09-24-2007, 07:53 AM
But is corn grown in Labrador?

As for super-people, you have to be a sorta superperson to survive the cold up in northern Canada (or even southern Canada.)
Don't believe me? Go up there, dressed in the heaviest winter clothing you possess or can possibly buy, stand out in the open unprotected, and see how well you do. The Canadians, conversely, do just fine in this weather. :)

1) No, corn is not grown in Labrador. Too short a growing season, and the soil's too rocky. So with the current trend in global warming, give it three more years. ;)

2) I used to run around with torn-up jeans and a thin trenchcoat with a ratty sweater for my winter protection -- including my trips up to Labrador to visit family! This isn't because I was tough. It's because I was young, drunk, and stupid.

My secret power was Tennessee sour mash!

Limper
09-24-2007, 08:01 AM
When his job as President of Iran ends he should concider one with the Onion.

Northcott
09-24-2007, 08:04 AM
When his job as President of Iran ends he should concider one with the Onion.

I don't think he'll be in any condition to write at that point. "Dictator for Life" has certain implications of consequence for the end of one's term.

Limper
09-24-2007, 08:12 AM
I don't think he'll be in any condition to write at that point. "Dictator for Life" has certain implications of consequence for the end of one's term.

Thats a shame cause he has all the makings of a brilliant absurdist comedic writer.

Northcott
09-24-2007, 08:15 AM
Thats a shame cause he has all the makings of a brilliant absurdist comedic writer.

Hell, if he could keep a straight face while spouting that dialogue, he'd be brilliant as a deadpan stand-up comedian!

Stratego
09-24-2007, 09:34 AM
I think it's time to send Agent Celene to Iran.

You just proved Iran's point. There are some things you just don't joke about you sick, sadistic fuck.

Snatch
09-24-2007, 04:55 PM
But is corn grown in Labrador?

If you've been to Labrador - nothing grows there!

As for super-people, you have to be a sorta superperson to survive the cold up in northern Canada (or even southern Canada.)
Don't believe me? Go up there, dressed in the heaviest winter clothing you possess or can possibly buy, stand out in the open unprotected, and see how well you do. The Canadians, conversely, do just fine in this weather. :)

It's not that bad.

PWD
09-24-2007, 05:21 PM
It's not that bad.

Life without nipples is really okay once you get used to it.

Freedom Canadian
09-24-2007, 07:45 PM
1) No, corn is not grown in Labrador. Too short a growing season, and the soil's too rocky.

"The Samco Integrated Crop System allows planting to occur about 30 days prior to the last spring frost. It is helping Newfoundland and Labrador dairy producers grow high yielding, high energy silage corn crops."

Source: http://www.releases.gov.nl.ca/releases/2006/nr/0906n02.htm

Harry
09-24-2007, 08:57 PM
But is corn grown in Labrador?

Typical Canadian Cornfield of Evil:

Snatch
09-24-2007, 09:23 PM
Typical Canadian Cornfield of Evil:

Not enough maple.

Or evil snow.

Harry
09-24-2007, 10:36 PM
A Typical Canadian Cornfield - On The March, In LA!

And Evidence of Canada's Dastardly Plan For Illinois!

Plus, A Bonus Image Illuminating Canadian Bioengineering!

Edena_of_Neith
09-25-2007, 02:34 AM
I was attempting humor, but I see that applied science beat me to the punch.
Corn in Labrador. Who would have thunk it?

Labrador currently has no growing season. Hard freezes and snow can occur during any summer month, and all of Labrador has discontinuous or continuous permafrost. Snowmelt does not actually occur until early June.
Additionally, there is very little soil, leeching from evergreen tree needles affects what soil there is, and cloudiness and frigid air come off the ocean to the east and Hudson Bay to the west.

This will change if the Arctic sea ice melts. Hudson Bay and the Labrador Current will warm drastically and cease freezing in the winter, the permafrost will melt, the jet stream will move north of Labrador during the summer, and warm tropical air will bathe the province during it's summer season.
Assuming soil could be transplanted, it is possible that regular corn could then be grown in Labrador.

Edena_of_Neith
09-25-2007, 02:39 AM
And ...

Once Quebec and Labrador are the leading producers of corn, wheat, and maple syrup, they will demand the United States become bilingual, adopting both English and French.
The United States will comply. Best thing that could ever happen, too. :)

Northcott
09-25-2007, 09:34 AM
"The Samco Integrated Crop System allows planting to occur about 30 days prior to the last spring frost. It is helping Newfoundland and Labrador dairy producers grow high yielding, high energy silage corn crops."

Source: http://www.releases.gov.nl.ca/releases/2006/nr/0906n02.htm


Learn something new every day! Bit of a shame, though. Grass-fed cows produce healthier milk and beef.

I'm surprised our government hasn't outlawed that, too. :mad:


This past summer, my relatives were complaining about the crazy heat they were getting up there: 25 degrees or so. Newfoundland's been getting some wild weather changes, too. Iirc, the freeze-up came late last year, too.

Dacke
09-25-2007, 11:18 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOzG7bBylRo&mode=related&search=